You hardly know whether to laugh or to weep...

I am supposed to write about our experience in New Orleans for 1835 newsletter for Clara. Today. I know I have to write something, but my procrastinator self has been delaying things and forgetting things in between of meetings, appointment with tree cutters, clogging-oil on eye lid, mural sketches, the two library visits, never ending phone calls, never ending research on foreclosure, skim-reading Ron Snider's books, two sketches of Over-the-Rhine steeples, myspace-ing, blogging, and not to mention cleaning and eating and sleeping and showering.

And then I came across the sentence I used for the title that I read in Buechner's book (Buechner is the writer of the week in my world). And I thought I could start something here, in my blog. Buechner was talking about the moment Jesus shared for the last time with his disciples when he said, "in a little while you will not see me anymore, in a little while you will see me." Such an odd sentence Jesus said (like it's a surprise!). Later on he described that Jesus was talking about the joy that came after sorrow, his resurrection, and his presence in the Holy Spirit.

That reminds me, how God has the power to turn sorrow into joy. How in most of the cases of what's going on in this fallen world, He has the way to create goodness amongst sadness. Joy in sorrow. Increase compassion and relationships among people who otherwise won't be connected in the world and decrease selfishness. How the trip to New Orleans had changed me was profound. I came worried that my motivation was not pure enough; that I came there to feel good about myself instead of glorifying God; that my reason to come down there was to give me a good 30th birthday present to myself that I had done something for God; I came to feel that my job is not good enough for me to work for God when no evangelism involved. But I left with more friends, I left with more compassion toward the people, I left with understanding that, well, what can we do with the (every) government, they just can't do anything right but there is God who can do everything right, and all He needs is our willingness to be His hands and feet. And I left with my motivation cleared out. I left with understanding that, where I am is where God needed me the most, in my (work) gutter, where the people outside church need to know that Jesus loves them and He (still) lives. And I left with a blind faith that God is big enough for our problems and I don't need to carry around the burden on my shoulder.

Clara said to have this under 250 words. How can 250 words contain what I experienced in New Orleans?

So, this might be the draft.

Jesus is inviting you to become His hands and feet to supply his people down in the neighborhoods of New Orleans with compassion. That's all you need to bring, in addition to ability to smile with an open heart. I went with the last crew in April, and before we left the church, Neal prayed to open our hearts so that Jesus would tell us what He wanted us to be when we were there. Neal said not to come with expectation, because God might have other plans.

So, you might be a wheelbarrow, a greeter, a sausage opener, a hugger, a listener, you might be a shovel, you might be a nail-plucker, you might be a weed trimer, you might be a jambalaya stirrer, you might be a coleslaw maker, you might be a server, you might be only a dust among other people who had gone there with similar concern as you are, you might be a baseball player in a field never been touched since twenty months ago.

You might be, the precise, special person, Jesus needs to bring love and compassion to the exact, special person whose been hurting, to the much needed area that would take more time and energy and love to bring it back to life.

I wish numbers could turn into faces, for us to know this is life, not just some lame statistics, but here's the facts of what happened in New Orleans, twenty two months after the hurricane Katrina:

• Less than half of the city's pre-storm population of 460,000 has returned, putting the population at roughly what it was in 1880.
• Nearly a third of the trash has yet to be picked up .
• Sixty percent of homes still lack electricity.
• Seventeen percent of the buses are operational.
• Half of the physicians have left, and there is a shortage of 1,000 nurses .
• Six of the nine hospitals remain closed.
• Sixty-six percent of public schools have reopened.
• A 40 percent hike in rental rates, disproportionately affecting black and low-income families.
• A 300 percent increase in the suicide rate.

Source: ThinkProgress.org

I don't know whether I should laugh for my renewed spirit and compassion for the people of New Orleans or I should weep with them knowing the grieve that still need observing.

Please pray and ask God if He wants you to go and what He wants you to be. If He does want you to go, He'll give you a way. And please call or email NealWhiles for the detail, he'll be glad to have you join the love crew. Remember the saying that the love we received only to increase when we gave away love? It's true.

--- So, that's probably the draft. I have to check on the most current progress to incorporate in the writing. Boy, that was quick. Twenty five minutes!

You don't need to know about blessing to be blessed.

Have you ever had a dream without picture and only voices in your head constantly humming a song over and over and when you woke up you realize the connection between your dream and what's your heart desire? I am no Freud follower, but I believe that God speaks to us through dream too, I only have to conform it through praying with my conscious. There is the phrase at the "deepest of my heart", the unconscious part of ourselves that we didn't even know and that God is the only one to know. This makes sense for me, I've done some reading on it. God spoke to Joseph through dreams, and also Jacob, and many other people back in the biblical time, but I believe that He is still doing the same thing to you and I.

This song dream happened to me last night as I went to bed praying in my head and this song was in my head when I woke up. It's in Javanese so I'll translate it in English (I'm a 100% Javanese; from my skin to the core of my heart and what's run in my blood). My mom used to hum this song cause this is one of her favorite hymns..

Kinanthi Ing Gusti

Gusti nuntun lampah kula
Saklangkung nggen kula begja
Engkang pundi arah mami
Wit kula dikanthi Gusti

Duh Gusti kang nganthi mami
AstaNya Pyambak kang nganti
Sun nderek teng pundhi pundhi
Wit kinanthi dening Gusti

Okay, so they might be wrong cause there are several verses and one line will go with the other. But, I know how it sing.

It translate (sort of) like this:

God is guiding my every step
Oh, how blessed I am
No matter where I go
He will always be with me

My God who guide my every step
His own hands held mine
I will follow You wherever You lead me
As long as You're the one who guide me.

There are several cultural difference in the translation that needs some clarification (that's why I don't like translation). Kinanthi means more than guide, but I can't find a similar word. Kinanthi came from the word kanthi that means "with". Kinanthi means more like someone lead the way in front of us, behind us, and beside us - at the same time, which is different from the word guide that I felt has some "distance" connotation.

Javanese refer to the name of "Gusti" to God the Father and "Gusti Pangeran" to Jesus Christ. But I feel that in this song, it speaks to me as Jesus more than to God the Father personality. It's just because Jesus "been there done that", I felt that He understands me better and I always pray to Jesus.

Javanese refer to themselves differently; it comes with context of whom are we speaking with. There is kula when you place yourself in humility, the lowest of the low, and view the other person you talk to be in higher level than you are. There is dalem is the same connotation but put more respect in yourself; when I was little, it's a no-no to refer yourself with dalem unless you're speaking to your parents. There is aku which put yourself higher than other people and put more selfishness voice in your tone. And this song use the word kula that means put ourselves in a complete surrender to the One who knows everything.

What a beautiful song and a beautiful assurance of what I am struggling with. Praise God again today!

But unfortunately, that's what's hidden in my heart, that there's a plan. And I'm a part of it. Whether I want to believe it or not.

I spoke a couple of times with Katy. She's a very nice person who will greet you with her crisp voice asking you genuinely about things important and not important. I visited InkTank regularly when it was small, when it has the "Rubbish" store that sold second-hand donated things from people that they sell to pay the rent for the space. Sometimes I went inside to see the poetry readings or anything else that was going on. It was refreshing to know there's a place for us to voice our words with confidence, that listening was part of the equation, that you're not the only one making sound with your keyboard in your room.

InkTank created conversations, although sometimes I thought there was bias in the conversation, but how could they not? Overtime, I stopped going to InkTank, I planned to go to their writing groups, but the plan remains a plan since I had other group meetings at the same time. But I know that InkTank had made a difference in many people's life, created activities for the homeless, engaging them in conversation, developing their confidence, and letting them know that someone does care, not of the physical need, but the need unseen. What Katy had done was amazing.

I was listening to her essay at the local This I believe series (link below), and I cried with her as she reveal her story. Hers is unique, but has similarities with other stories I heard. That Someone is in charge. That there is a plan for each one of us, whether we want to believe it or not. Unfortunately, we would start to listen to the Voice when our lives fall apart, when we could not see with our own eyes and then we will start to listen. This happened to me too, and I am sure many of us.

Julee and I talked about this, we've talked about how we've messed up in the process of growing up, and that we've rarely knew anyone who could grow without messing things up. And then I remember the bible said that in our weakest, God is the strongest. He wants us to be part of His plan, whether we want to believe it or not. Praise God!

Title was taken from Katy Holwadel's essay for WVXU This I Believe.

Listen to your life.

See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace. - Frederick Buechner

There are certain songs when I listened to it, reminds me of someone, some place, some time. For example, La Cienega Just Smiled reminds me of an intersection of my life, when I had to choose and by God's grace I chose the right way. Ryan Adams wrote the song with an exact inspiration when he was standing on La Cienga boulevard in LA and another street that its name I couldn't recall, when he remembers the past and thinking about the present of his life at that moment. I've never knew how these kinds of thoughts were transfered through notes, music, and atmosphere created by the music that filled the entire room. I remember the first time I heard the song was from Felicity (it's a big confession: I used to be a nerd for Felicity Porter, I would watch the entire four seasons in one weekend). I also remember when and where I listened to that song for the first time. And another moment I listened to that song at the Blind Lemon, sang by a local musician I couldn't recall the name and somehow I felt that it reminded me to rethink of what I had been doing with my life. It was one moment after another, that song feels more "religious" to me than any other.

Of course there's more songs!

Such as Landslide from FleetwoodMac (I also like the Dixie Chick's version), but I remember the mere moment I listened to that song and every time I heard it; it would always brought me back to the same exact moment. The morning of November 11, 2002, when I realized that I had built my life around something that was not worth built around to. Of course, how I could I ignore God, the only One worth building our lives around. "Seek His Kingdom first and everything else will be added to you." said it all. But God never gave up on me, and here I am five years later, with my life granted to me!

Or that song I'll fly away by AlisonKraus, will remind me of a Saturday summer day in Findlay Market, when Angie and I hang out often, and Amos played his guitar and three of us would sing. The song has a peaceful note that reminds me of what I want in the future for my funeral ceremony. You're right to think that I am weird to think of this, but, a place with God is a place I wanted to be at, forever, and if that time comes, I would want all the world to rejoice with my soul. On that note, to think of where all of us are and what has happened in our life is mindblogging. You can't never know the future, but with God, there's always peace in the future.

Another song was from the Hymn, It is well with my soul, reminds me of being in church with my mom and dad, when I was here by myself and think that my parents are in God's sovereign hands, is a complete peace.

Or how the Beatles is always reminds me of my childhood cause they'd be in my dad's player list, how I made up words in English without knowing the meaning of it, as long as I can sing along, I was happy. No body complaints, so that was good!

And then there was Nessun Dorma, from the opera Turandot, which reminds me of three fire related incident in my life that also my way to interpret God's message. The first fire was in my apartment, and the second and third one was when I went to the opera; at the Music Hall, we had to get out twice because of false alarm and someone fell on the steps on the third floor. I think the poor man had a heart attack. I didn't know if that was a very sad opera involving a very stubborn cold-hearted princess, or because I was thinking about my own situation, every time I heard the song, it took me back to that very moment when I was in the process of coming back to God. Ah, God is good, it seems that He would used everything to just talk to me.

The sounds of my life is a serenade of God's work in me. It is completely appropriate, even when there's pain to endure, and there's heart yet to heal, and a child who consistently resist to grow up in me, to thank God for his work in my life.

When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her.

It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed. Mother Teresa

I've learned something about giving.
My ex-boss whose also my friend whom I worked with throughout my college life said that she would never gave a beggar money. She said it would encourage them to be lazy.

Over the years living in downtown, I've learned that some people tend to lie to get what they want. I've never gave anyone money because I knew (how did I know?) that it will be used to buy drugs or beer. Some people we saw around the stadium even said with a cardboard Why lie? I need a beer sign. That was not funny, by the way, and I have never given any money to these folks. I was driving from Dayton and I am running out of gas. Or, I have three kids and I just lose my job. Or I haven't had anything to eat today. These used to be so difficult for me to comprehend, especially after reading the Sidewalk book, where a beggar in New York City could make more money than someone who work nine to five stuffing envelope! That didn't sound fair to me. But how I differentiate what's true and what's not true. I stumbled upon these for so many years, until a couple of months ago, I met this great person, one of the most generous person I know, whose life has been touched by Jesus. This friend of mine said, who are you to judge that something is true or not true? What if it's true and you had a chance to save a life? What's not true is not your business. The whole conversation was laid upon how God would use us to help others (who else would do this?). And how we need to trust God that He will use all the bad situation, bad intention for the good. He is God. Who are we to question his command?

My friend gave me an example: so, you may be given a couple of dollars to an addict and he is going to use the money to buy drugs. The key is to pray before you give the money. Pray that God will use the money for his purpose, to get this person to know Him. You can't limit what God could do with it. May be he will go and buy some weed, but may be God will stir his heart after he talked to you and finally found that someone does care. May be he was just in a bad life situation and he just need some assurance and hope. The entire message told me that, by giving, you have done what God told you. And the rest of the story is His story. The rest of the story, what the other person will do with the money or the things you gave is His business. And God surely know what He's doing.

I know when God speaks to me: He stops my thoughts with a pause and something else came up in my mind and I know that's not mine.

God did that again last week. On Saturday, I organized a neighborhood clean up where I work. As I was waiting for people to show up, a lady came to me and said she just started to work and paid all her bills and she had nothing left for food in a week. This sounds like a familiar note, isn't it? In my mind, it's like a repeated sentence that I've memorized to know that someone was trying to make up something just to get something. I told her we will have food later in the day after the clean up. And she said, that's not enough because I need food for the week. I let her go. But she was in my mind all weekend long and on Monday I bought some groceries for her and drop them off her house. I've never seen her before, which is rare because I've known most of the people who live here, so I asked her neighbor, a community leader, if she knew who that lady was, and left the groceries with her. It doesn't cost me anything other than the same trip to the groceries I used to do, but still, it's difficult for me because my grocery bag contains only veggies and fruit and may be peanut butter! I bought her things that I would eat. After all that, I thought of so many opportunities I could help people when they asked me but I let go because of the thought that they might not telling me the truth. And how many times I have missed the opportunities to give.

Should we give out of want or out of need.
This friend of mine gave me a perfect example of how God is using him to bless other people around him. He set aside his savings to buy his co-worker a car so that he can go to work everyday. He always thought of it through before acting on giving, it's not like it's an impulse. He could care less what people think of him, his motivation was only to bless the people around him! It's easy for him to give money for a good cause, and it seems that he can control himself to be careful in his other not important spending such as eating out. He might not know this cause I know he won't read my blog, but I am inspired by what he does with his life.

Last night, I had another conversation with another friend who said, if I give to everyone who asked me things, I'll be broke. Really. Think about those guys who approached me in the garage (he works in downtown) and some people on the street. Do you think we should give out of what they want or what they need? I could understand what he said, being living and used to work in downtown, these kinds of scenarios are familiar. But, once again, who are we to judge that people asked for what they want? How do we know? but my argument to this, was, that we should ask God for provision before giving people money.

Smile is probably the biggest present.
When I walked around the neighborhood, that's what I tried to do. Just smile to the next person I saw on the street. It's not easy because I can't expect everyone to smile back to me; some people are bitter with life, some people are bitter with other people, they don't trust me sometimes. I see despair, I see the hole, the emptiness in their eyes that could only be filled by Jesus. Saying how are you doing or good morning is not easy for them either. But I believe that smile is the easiest gift I can give to them, even if I have to do it again and again at other times before they finally smile back at me.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

Almost a month later.

Still. Stories from my New Orleans' trip in my head, came up especially on my driving moments to work.

Story one.
I can't remember who told the story, but the story goes like this.
A man was sitting on top of his roof when his house was covered by water. He prayed to God to save his life. He keeps on praying and praying and finally there was someone came on a boat, asking this man to go with him. He said, no, I am waiting for God to rescue me. And then a helicopter came and he was also offered the same thing. He said, no, I am waiting for God to rescue me. And he died because he stayed on too long without food and he finally was drowned. He went to heaven and ask God, why didn't you rescue me? and God said, well, I sent a boat and a helicopter but you won't go with any of them.
It's funny that sometimes we didn't recognize that God helped people through other people. Sometimes it is easier to give than it is to receive. I had this thought while driving to work yesterday, thinking about how hard it is for me to receive!

Story two.
On the way to New Orleans, twelve hour ride in a van with only limited stops for coffee and food and bathrooms, five of us invented a game. It's our way to wake up when we can't sleep and there was no book to read. We will go around and say one thing we love. It was fun to get to know what my friends love and what could make them happy. Any self-deprecating remarks will cost a dollar! We continue to play the game in the coffee shops and on the way home. It was such an uplifting way to know others and to know ourselves. But, what are specifically does God love? Thinking of this alone could make me burst to tears. God loves ME!

Thinking about stuff.
How much we are dwell on stuff in life. And how God has the power to just throw our stuff away with our way or his way. It's not that he is being mean by doing that, but he wants us to have the fullness of life by focusing our life in him only. Not our stuff. Still, attachment to stuff creates the hurt and pain in our lives. Is there anything, if anything happened, that I could not live without? That stuff should be the first one I let go.

A church was never about the building. A job was never about what you're doing.
Of course I was reading WalkOn:U2 book on the way to and back. This long quote is one of the many things I think God pointed me to:

It was that very flowing tide where Jesus had commanded His disciples to live. Out there where the city gambles. Where no one believes. Out there among the thieves. In the face of abuse and mockery. Where love violently dies. Out there at their daily Calvary, to take up to their crosses and follow. Not to holler but to follow. If only Jesus had said to Peter, "Pray this prayer and withdraw from the world and make sure you preach in every song," He didn't. He said, "Follow me into a daily dynamic of dilemma where they will misunderstand you and castigate you and call you all kinds of things. It'll be messy, and every decision will not always be on the white or black side of gray, but follow me.Get involved. Where I walked.

I left Cincinnati being tired and bored with my job, I came back with a renewed passion that God will use us where we are.

About rich people.
I am not sure if this is how I digest information that my bias toward rich people is way too bias. I know this and I have been working to give an equal attention to both side, the rich and the not-rich, in the society. I generalized. I blamed rich people for being rich and for paying less taxes and live in a comfortable life when I know many people cannot afford to buy groceries for the week. I know it is not their fault that they are rich. I know some rich people care, but some do not care to others; the point is, they are people just like other people, and I have failed to recognize that. God knocked me on the head. I went on a trip that is sponsored by the VineyardUSA, almost always located in the suburb, where the rich people live! And we were located right next to the suburban part of New Orleans, Kennard, it's like the West-Chester-like area if it is in Cincinnati. God helped me to open my eyes more, that, He loves all people, regardless income or social status, and He touches all people, including those who might not ever found economic hardship. And He uses the blessing He gave to these rich people to bless others. And at the flood, all areas were damaged, regardless of the demographic population. St. Bernard Parish is one of them, where I saw higher-end residential areas were also empty.

I've been thinking on one side, on the negative note.

When thinking that happiness doesn't come from money, I should also think that being rich is not always easy; each of us has our own problem and I should learn to set aside my bias and leave it at home. Jesus' story about the rich man who asked Him what to do if he wants to go to heaven, and ignore His message that he should give away all his money and follow Him applies here. Their blessings are our blessings too.

That what is which and which is what?

1. Got it? Exactly, me neither.
2. My definition of Monday: is the day I realize that my weekend had gone and that Saturday is so far away. And when planning was part of the word I studied and organize is the infinitive title of my job, those were not my best qualities. I work with people and I love people, but being organized and well planned are not the qualities that define me. Ironic.
   
3. Monday is the day when I prayed harder that God would control me, reign on me, help me to be positive, and fill my soul because, well, I am usually exhausted from thinking that I have done nothing, thinking about where did my weekend go. This had happened again today, Monday, that I had spent the entire day to think.
4. Monday is the day when my coworkers would ask, "How's your weekend?" and tell them the stories of my weekend over and over again. I like the questions, but sometimes there were things you don't want to remember, because it would be embarrassing and stupid, such as, loosing your cell phone in a place you don't know (otherwise it won't be called "lost"). And this Monday, I had a lot of voice mail from my friends whom asked me where have I been, was I still alive, did I try to ignore them and blocked their numbers, because, I lost my cell phone and suspended the account, and I won't have another until the end of this week cause I wanted a free one.
   
5. Monday is the day I want to be Peter Pan, never grow up. It is the day with the question like, "Now, Dyah..have you ever learned?" and then my mom's voice would fill up my head..."Why didn't you ever forget your nose?"
   
6. My sole question is, why God created Monday?
7. It is just happened, that most of my Mondays are my longest days at work, as in right now, I am waiting for a community meeting that will last until 8:30pm when I am so excited to start painting again with the new materials I just bought, and the library will be closed by the time I got home, so I won't be able to check out the books I had on reserve the whole week.
8. Monday is the day I would repeat Peter Pan's strategy to keep flying: create happy thoughts, one of them was that "I am glad I wasn't born on Monday".
9. Another happy thoughts: Now I am glad Monday is almost gone.

Title is from A. A. Hodge quotes: On Monday, when the sun is hot, / I wonder to myself a lot: / `Now is it true, or is it not, / That what is which and which is what?

A mother is something absolutely new.

The complete quote: the moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. by Rajneesh.

I guess until I became a mother (which currently, that's not written in my future plan.), I will never know how hard it is to be you. My mother worries so much about me, thinking that I am her five year old youngest daughter, no matter how old I am, no matter how many proves she has had, I am always be her five year old youngest daughter, with two ponytails on my head, needing her protections all around the hours. All she does, the messages, the suggestions, the worries, are just her reflections of being a mother. Which, made it difficult for me to share things I am facing, especially difficult situations, because I don't want her to worry more.

My mother couldn't helped of being worry, from time to time I always remind her that she was the one who taught me how to pray, how to trust God, how to surrender, and ultimately, not to worry. But, may be being a mother is more difficult than that...I would never know.

But my friend said, never say never. She always told me that everytime I said I admire her for adopting and raising two children in the seven years! She started when she was 35, thinking that, later than that would be too old to raise a child. I am not saying I am not thinking of getting married, I am, if I ever found that person who loves me, totally love God and agree to spend a lifetime (which is a very long time!?!) with me to just serve God, someone with mission as his life goal. I found probably one or two, but I lost them along the way and too coward to open the backdoor and run to him! O, well. The future one will be better! If a guy is not running to me, most likely I won't; for me, that first initiative tells many things, including what would I get in the future including his leadership capability. I am not being demanding here, I am just following what the bible would say about manhood and womanhood. There is no relationship between superiority or inferiority, but a role of a husband is to lead, and that's the foremost that I want after all those Christ-minded life that this person would have. That's who I want and I am not taking anyone without those qualities; being single is okay with me, it is a gift from God to be able to do more things that otherwise married people couldn't.

So, adopting, that's what I was talking about. Single parenting will be okay for me, if I ever decided to, the only one I am thinking about was the thought of the child having a father figure in her life (I am not going to adopt a boy, I have four mischievous nephews), and it would be hard for her. I've never thought about this until I went to San Francisco last year and walked behind a mother and a daughter who held hands all the way. They stopped once in awhile to see the stores, but they always held hands. I was so touched with that, what a happy couple. And I thought, I want one of those!!

Yesterday was mother's day and what happened with me? I lost my phone before going to the symphony. I "managed" to lose my phone every couple of years, one of the ways to catch up with the cell phone industry and get "updated", or otherwise I would stay with the oldest style since I know I would never spend money for a phone. My phone company always gets me a new one for free and it is in the mail for a couple of days. So, no phone calls to mom on mother's day, I have to wait until tomorrow morning to call her from my office. I think my mom will not miss the call that much because in our country, mothers' day is November 2 (children's day is July 23 and there is no father's day!).

Today at church, they honored all mothers and chose three to give gift baskets to. I admire mothers, they are the hard working people on earth. They work almost 70 hours per week, takes care of everything, and rarely to complaint. At least that's how my mother is. She always gets up early (at four in the morning), get our breakfast ready at 6am (when all of us were at home and at school), and be ready for work herself at 7:30am because she had to commute for 30 minutes. She gets thing done, she's talkative and always entertaining to guests whomever they were. She would do anything to get us what we want, especially if that's for school or church activities. She's retired right now but she serves at church for three more years, learned to preach (she's a deacon but she preaches most of the time because her church has three chapters with only one pastor). She said she's been using my books and my OurDailyBread that I left at home. Thank God for my supermom. Happy mother's day, mom!

Happiness comes in on tiptoe

The parable of talent had been on my mind this week when thinking about being thirty: that's going to be me next month. The birth day itself doesn't matter for me, it's the reality and the thought of being thirty that I have been dwelling in a couple of months that makes me think of who I am and who God thinks I am.

In his three years of ministry, Jesus always gave parable as an illustration that the society could understand (what a genius is God!). This particular parable of talent was also the answer of my questions of the last two months that I've been asking God. What am I doing with my talents? How could my talents multi-fold (did I just invent a new word? :)) and how could my talents glorify God?

I am doing just enough with my non-profit low-paying job that I love most of the time, but "who-we-are" is not how much we got paid. When I went to PeterBlock's small group last week, someone asked me what is my "ideal" goals in life, I said, retired right now with the thought of being able to volunteer in all cause that we care about, and everyone in the group was laughing. I laughed with them, I had told them the truth.

So, right now, I am working on my other talent that could help me to achieve what I want to achieve that otherwise will not be able to achieve if I only sit there and do nothing after work. My artwork will be all over the town in the next couple of months. It's a daunting task, it takes more of my time alone, but I love to paint so it won't cost me a thing other than less time spent with my friends and activism.

In my schedule right now is the SOS Art for Peace and Justice at the Art Academy, starting on May 25th through June 3rd with hundreds other participants. I am submitting two artworks: Hope is the thing that stands upright and Forgotten. The first one is a story of how we underestimate hope as an instrument of peace, and the second one is an illustration of how putting faces over number could build up our compassion of inequality, poverty, and war that are happening right at this second in our world, to our neighbors; and what are we going to do with it? Sit here and eat our dinner?

In July, I am having a solo artshow at the Starbucks (yes, that's not a misspelled, starbucks!) at Harperspoint Montgomery with the title: Tick. The paintings are about everything that "ticks" me. Several things that motivates me, give me chill, move my butt, makes me cry, makes me laugh, grow a warm feeling in my chest. You'll know it when you see the paintings. Several others are in process at the MarxGallery in Covington, KY and other projects I am working on.

Of all my paintings, I will dedicate at least fifty percent of it for a cause, that will be different in each show, and that's a must in every exhibit I will have in the future. That's my current answer to God's invitation to muti-fold my talent, and I will work on my paintings the rest of the week. I pray that God will fill my head with ideas that comes only from Him and my foremost question everytime I paint is what does He want me to say through it. It takes time, cause, I am always thinking (sometimes too much), am too indecisive in terms of what could create the best painting, and am the worst procrastinator I know. If you read this far, pray for me (thank you! :)).

And happiness comes in on tiptoe...because God speaks in silence.

I went to the CincinnatiSymphony with a friend last night and found this song sang by BebeNeuwirth. The complete lyrics of AQuietThing, by JohnKander:
When it all come true, just the way you planned. It's funny but the bells don't ring. It's a quiet thing, when you hold the world, in your trembling hand. You think you'd hear a choir singing, but it's a quiet thing. There are no exploding fire works, where's the roaring of the crowd. Maybe it's the strange new atmosphere, way up here among the clouds. Happiness comes in on tiptoe, well, what do you know, it's a quiet thing, a very quiet thing...

Book Tag - Influential Books in my life.

Flashback to August 11, 2006 when I was tagged by Russell Smith about influential books in my life -- here goes:

1. One book that changed your life: Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

2. One book that you’ve read more than once: On the Road by Jack Kerouac, The Dead and Live of Great American Cities by Jane Jacobs, Sidewalk by Mitchell Duneier.

3. One book you’d want on a desert island: A Year with CS Lewis, Daily Readings from His Classic Works.

4. One book that made you laugh: Extremely Loud Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer; The Female Brain by Louann Md Brizendine.

5. One book that made you cry: The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

6. One book you wish had been written: Finding Time to Do Absolutely Everything You want to Do in Life.

7. One book you wish had never been written: The World According to Mimi Smartypants (It does exists!) and the Breakup Babe.

8. One book you’re currently reading: Mountains beyond mountains by Tracy Kidder and What's the difference? : manhood and womanhood defined according to the Bible by John Piper.

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: Theories of everything : selected, collected, and health-inspected cartoons, 1978-2006 by Roz Chast, Off the books : the underground economy of the urban poor by Sudhir Alladi Venkatesh.

10. Tag 5 others: Since I am so very late, I am not going to tag anyone!

I am exhausted, those are hard questions to answer. Never mind that I violated most of the questions by mentioning more than one book. I'm out.

I painted the green grass. It was fun because I got lots of paint on me.

Friday morning, I suspected something was going on in front of my apartment. The wall was primed about two weeks before, and that morning I saw scaffolding, a truck, a couple of people more than usual, and someone whom I knew the face but didn't know her name who participated at the Ludlow Street Painting Fest last year. I think they're going to paint a mural.

That's what it looks like at 6:00pm.

I went over and talked to someone there because I was just curious. The mural was painted by Jessy, the new owner of KrafHaus gallery on Main Street, which is a temporary space rented by BillBaum/Urban Sites Properties, known as an "upscale" residential developer. He has a couple of storefront for rent in monthly basis or just daily basis for an occasion/opening or closing ceremony. Instead of paying rent, KraftHaus painted him a mural over another building he owns. I figured that he might not going to do anything with that building in a little while. I am glad though that he's been working on it, at least make the building look pretty, because a year ago, I thought I saw some pigeons lived in the attic.

So, about 25' x 10' wall, took seven (adult) people and two days.

This was a huge affirmation from God, or at least helped me to calm down a bit, with the mural project that I am planning with the VineyardChurch Summer of Service (S.O.S).

Here's the entire project detail:
Three sites, but I am responsible in planning only on two sites, because KeepCincinnatiBeautiful has had one site ready with everything, materials, template, etc.

Exterior walls:
15' x 46'
8’ 9” x 27’ 6”

Interior walls:
8' x 35'
8' x 42'
10’ x 51’4”

All had to be done in four days, i.e. two hours x four; while organizing 200 high school students for all three locations. So, we'll have about 60-70 students per location. My experience is that, we can't get everyone to paint at the same time, even if it will be just "paint by numbers" that I will definitely use in the design! I am sure that we will have to prepare for more activities around the locations that can be done other than painting.

I don't like chaos. And I don't like to see people standing around when they want to work, purposefully coming to work, to serve. And especially high school students at locations that they are not familiar with (they'll come from all over the country). So, careful organizing and planning is the best way to do this, and seeing the mural across the street was done in two days straight, I am sure we'll get the mural done in eighth hours with more people!

Now all I need is my phone, which will be here today, to start talking and asking for paint donations, materials and equipment (brush, bucket, ladder, etc.) and start working on this at my lunch time today. Donating acrylic paints, anyone?

SOS will be a lot of fun!

Quote by Shannon Nakamine, 9 years old, Girl Scout Troop 532, who participated at the Aloha Mural Project, 2002.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

Looking back to this post, when I thought I would leave a friend because of his destructive behavior, it turned out that God told me a different thing. On one of my usual stop to the church's bookstore, I found this book: Where is your gutter? at the first pages, this book talked about where God leads us to go "outreaching" outside the community of people who already know God. It's the modern way of evangelism through building real relationships with people who otherwise will not know God. The book was written by CraigGross, a pastor and one of the founders of XXXChurch who boldly bring the Good News by going to one of the largest porn convention and built true relationships with people inside the industry.

What exactly is the gutter? The gutter is us. The gutter is where the sin is, it only means that the dirtier the gutter, the bigger call for love is for the people there. The gutter is a place where "christian" rarely go to because they don't want to be "associated" with it, since, they are christian and "live" a clean life. When in God's eye, we're all the same, we need grace from God, and the only one that will differentiate "us" and "them" is when one believe in Jesus as one savior. But that's not IT. Once a person is "saved", God wants us to go back to the gutter to call for more of His love ones. And sometimes He used the dirtiest ones, like Paul, to build His Kingdom on earth.

The book mentioned Craig's walk in his gutter to help us to understand and find our gutter. A lot of the stories shared how this approach is not widely "accepted" by other christians because it was "too dangerous" and is very close to temptations. I was thinking about this also and went back to the strategy WWJD (what would jesus do) and found that indeed, he made friends with the tax collector and showed grace to a woman who committed adultery. Craig's point is, we are called to be "in" the world, but not "of" the world. To be an effective gutter worker, we need to be real follower of Christ who understand the world but do not follow the world order. The other profound point was that, we need not to worry about being influenced by the world because when we're standing on Christ as the foundation, nothing will stop us. My example would be, who else if not U2 (I'll mention something else if I found any :)).

My first gutter will be me. The next one will be my friend (whom I tried to stay away from). Today, I told him and he's a good friend and I love him. And I am in the perfect gutter location in the church of broken people, sinners and losers. I live in the gutter of loss hope and inequality. I work in the gutter of inequality, broken confidence and disappointments.

My example of the gutter was one of the dance club in my neighborhood. I remember vividly when RedChetah was still open, three friends (two were a couple) and I went there. I honestly could not enjoy being in such a place. My couple friends were dancing, and two of us were sitting and "enjoyed" the music. There's nothing to enjoy, really, as far as I could remember, looking at drunk people dance on the table with minimum clothing was not interesting at all. The only thing I could think off was that, "God, this place desperately needs your love." And I didn't do anything to (I didn't realize back then;even now, I seem to have "no time" to jump in this gutter) the invitation of God to jump in the gutter and started a conversation with people around me, as Neal said, to know and be known, just to show our love to them.

One thing that Craig mentioned was, the approach Jesus took was ALWAYS grace and love, not condemnation. Yelling on the street telling people that they're going to hell was not what Jesus did. He came and ate with Zakeus, He asked people who never sin to throw the first stone to the woman who committed adultery.

This book really changed my perspective on "outreach". It was called outreach for a reason, to go out to the gutter, instead of "reachout", staying in the comfort zone to attract people to come in, when we're nowhere near where they are.

Hope is the thing that stands up right

Thinking about hope.

One.
Hope is the thing that stands up right, lift its head to the angels
with hundreds of hands underground spread, reaching to the invisible.

Two.
On the other side of cosmos, on the other side of time, God moved across the chaos and began to imagine. Colors - blue and green and red and yellow. All the colors somehow mixed together. What would green look alongside blue, with a little thin band of gold to join the two? (Bono's words)

Three.
Hope is like a stretch thin line that joins what it is and what it should be. Unseen but merely a vision of strength and faith in God who dwells inside each one of us.

Four.
We only see a tile, God see a mosaic.

Five.
Romans 5:
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we^[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Four.
From Wikipedia: "Hope is often the result of faith in that while hope is an emotion, faith carries a divinely inspired and informed form of positive belief."

Five.
Sunday, May 6 2007. Baptism Weekend, VCC. As usual, I like to sit by myself, away from my friends but only surrounded by "strangers" who will not care if I showed emotions. A man who testified about his experience when Jesus saved him from a traumatic childhood and cocaine addiction through prayer. He said, "I know God loves me."

God said,"I love you, Dyah." And I felt an assurance of a circumstance I am facing right now, a complete assurance after I prayed and prayed to God to give me faith as in a child. And that morning I got it. It was a feeling of assurance that God will take care of everything and I need not to worry about anything.

And when I thought about what I should do, Pastor DaveWorkman said (I was suppose to pray when I thought of this), "All we have to do is surrender, God. Surrender and let you be in control."

And that morning I surrender to God again. I have a complete assurance of the situation I am currently facing. In a complete believe even though I don't know how God is going to take care of this. I trust God, because he's God. I put my hope in God. Knowing that I'll be fine and everything will be just fine, like it has always been in my life. Hope is the thing that stands up right, with faith as its foundation, and knowing that God is in control.

I am in love with your mother, not you.

My fiction jokes about ex-boyfriend's mom, the story that would be all fictions and is dedicated to mothers with sons as a mother's day present from me, the best future daughter in law ever!

Story One.
When I first saw you, you're not that beautiful. There's something about blue eyes that I cannot understand, as if there's a gate to your heart that I can't enter through those blue eyes, just what the looks mean made me dizzy. But I thought you're beautiful because of you're naive enough to think that you can save the world through doing something with your life that made us fall into the same category of naive people who want to save the world by doing what we do.

So I kept you company.

Until you took me home to see your family and I knew they were staring at us behind the curtain, I never thought you're that beautiful, even if you had so many traits I like including your ways to give me more freedom to be away from you.

On Tuesday night, when I told you I love you, I was trying to decide whether "I am infatuated by your beauty" or "I am in love with your mother". Last week over dinner, I slightly mentioned that I was trying to find white chocolate to make you some snacks to bring to the bike trail on Sunday. I set aside the need of white chocolate with more of you to occupy my time, especially after Tuesday night, it seems that you were infatuated too. And on Monday when we came for dinner after that long day in the park, she said, I have something for you, and she gave me two, not just one, two kinds of white chocolate that, you might need those, she said. Her genuine attention stole my heart.

That day when you were trying to teach me corn hole after you promised not to demand to win but merely participating and you had me to pair with your sixty five year old Uncle John, your mother said that your father made coffee just for me. And when I was tired running around chasing your niece in the bike, I was sitting by your mother when she was busy asking me about things that I'd like to answer. She has become my new friend when you're busy running Casey the dog around the house, that I thought was pointless since neither of you need to go anywhere, although looking at you running the dog was entertaining since, well, you're beautiful.

I pointed out the sketch on the wall when she noticed, and without I had to ask, she told me the story, that was the dorm I lived for two years when I went to school to be a nurse. The building is now the GoodSamaritanHospital, my roomate painted that drawing. I couldn't even remember where you were, I think you were outside playing with Alex at the pool. And she asked, I heard you paint? And you're to blame as the one and only source of news, or may be she saw my painting in your room.

Your mother got my name right the first time we met. She bought edamame since I told her I could survive eating only those..last week. She asked me if I were from New York and all about my family. And when you told me she didn't even talk to your last girlfriend, I was flattered because this might mean that she likes me.

But there is a slightly small problem...

I was lying to you that Tuesday night, and now I am more confused because I don't want to break up with you because I am in love with your mother. I want her to be my mother, but not necessarily to keep you as my boyfriend. If I told you the truth, I might not be able to see you and your mother. But if I didn't tell you, I might have to pretend that I even like you, when, I can't stand being around you any more second, now.

So, what a girl to do?

PS. We broke up a week later. And my heart was broken because I will never be able to see Linda again. For Linda, if you ever found this blog, Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, we're sinking like stones, All that we fought for,

that's a comma, not a period..

We we're off work yesterday to celebrate "Mother Jones Day". I know. If it's for the common good, i.e. people first, I am always up for that. I am not afraid to be called anything by anyone. Say it!

It was also a good time for IdentityTheory (an online literary magazine I read) to discuss about the release of the new violation of human rights by the largest corporation in the world whom I've been watching every single movement they made. Read the complete article here.

If you know me well enough, by now you know that there's one way to "torture" me. Just take me to WalMart, on the way home I will need a load of ice cream to cheer me up! Kidding. But I am not kidding about my attitude toward WalMart. I have list of reasons for my attitude, and I believe that I am fighting for a cause and I am not alone.

My best friend Celia, who had known me well enough to get away with teasing me about WalMart to every new person she introduced to me (thank you, Celia!), one time mentioned that WalMart had become one of the major corporations in the world and by that, had gained power to steer the market (and thus, I alone fighting WalMart by not buying anything from the store will not make a difference). Although I know Celia never bought anything from WalMart either because of my stories (except that shower curtain).

She said, WalMart decided what the market wants.

I don't believe that. I still believe in the power of market, the power of people, that if they are well informed, they can make a decision based on what's important for them. And yesterday was a big day for people for the report alone.

I support creating jobs for people, but not by robbing their health care benefits, keeping them in part-time position only and avoiding unions that will hold the company accountable from getting away of their responsibilities.

I am all for new developments, but not if it will destroy old town characters and limited re-usability of the buildings.

Low price is always good, but what if the low prices came from un-fair labor trade?

Low price is always good, but what about the effect of destroying small businesses (unhealthy competition)?

And did I mention promoting commercialism? Big time?

I'd say, people still have the power. WalMart will not survive without people who buy from them. People still have the power to buy or not to buy things (or junk) at WalMart.

Although ColdPlay is not talking about WalMart, I agree with the end sentence of Don'tPanic:
We live in a beautiful world, Yeah we do, yeah we do