Welcome to the planet, welcome to existence...

I was standing at the front yard of my parents' old house that is now a ruin, with my uniform on ready to go to school, singing, humming a song I couldn't recall, and walking back and forth to track the straight row of bricks on the ground, looking at my moving feet, and thinking "how did I get here?" I was probably four years old. That's my most vivid memories of my childhood.

I was talking to Jenna, a three months old, when my friend was trying to eat something in between holding her. Jenna was lying there, looking at something, not the screen, not the ceiling, not me either. She was trying to say something, may be a story, as I was talking to her about how beautiful the rainbow I saw on the way there. And how I always connect rainbow with hope, where in my world, yellow would be a dominant color. I also talked to her about how I spilled gas on my jeans that I had to go back all the way home and took a shower before anymore people asked if they smelled gas. I was tired to saying, "that's my new perfume..". I don't think Jenna was listening, I think she was interested in telling her own story, whatever it was that she was trying to tell me. And then I realized. I didn't just get here.

I woke up the other day feeling more alive than I've ever been (no, I lied, I had these kinds of moments a couple of times in my life). Not because of the Buckeye Brew Becky and Allisa brought back to me before they went off to take care of things, but because I loved what Nicole and I did with the entire exhibit. The space was like a regular house with inadequate lighting and ugly (ew!) lampshades, one worn out greenish-topped corner table, a couple of "office chairs" and a fake fireplace. It was a nice place that let you host about 200 people at the same time without being bored of bumping into each other the whole time. A nice enough place that has a large bar and a separate dancing floor. But, not for the artworks. I had about a hundred artworks to arrange, and that was the first time I saw the space, the first time I saw the artworks.

This never happened before when I try to set an exhibit. I always knew everything, planned things on paper, calculate the space, the artwork, the flow of people and all that. That was then. I started to work on arranging the artworks and Nicole helped me hanging them on the wall. I forgot when was the last time I arranged an exhibit, but that was what made me wake up alive again. And then I realized, I didn't just get here, to help Becky getting this done. I remember our breakfast meeting, bike "date", telling her, "You can do it," and seeing every answered prayer, watching her do all the work, helping her putting together a submission guidelines, finding options of art galleries, listened to every progress she made and off to the Philippines they will go next week, to bring love and making artworks together with kids. I didn't just get here.

I've been "ignoring" my painting hobby for a long time. Compared with my activities in to write, it's way abandoned, painting to me was always be the "alternative" when I was stuck in writing. But arranging a gallery and selling artworks was a lot of fun. I talked to people about the artworks, listened to artists' stories about their artworks, and to communicate that to those who came, was a lot of fun. We made a lot of money. And for first time, I actually sold my pieces that I donated for the benefit. I don't know if it was I who helped Becky, or if it was she who helped me to reveal my other abandoned instrument of my passion, but I knew, I didn't just get there.

I didn't just changed my major overnight as a coincidence. I didn't just get lucky to know the people I knew who helped me grow, found my passion and actually feel alive. Regret never stayed very long, when I made mistake. God always turned it into an abundant experience. One of the people was my friend Rubi. He described himself as an includer; I've never felt like I was an "outsider" around him and his wife and other friends I've been with. That's almost always the case, by the way, I am too liberal around christians and too conservative around the secular ones (whatever that means, it could be one other post someday). In addition to my cultural background (growing up in Java and had to catch up with childhood books my friends read to get into the conversations), being single, and had an odd job for most people (I've discussed this in previous posts), trying to fit in was a waste of time, all I did was being myself, and Rubi was the best in understanding who/what I want to be. He taught a class at church called "finding your passion" and let us to write down every single thing that we love to be. Tracking back what we were best at, good at, and not so good at, how we view ourselves and how we think God think of us. And art was always became part of me that makes me who I am. I didn't just get here, I know that for sure.

I know God is up to something after the Vineyard called to see if anyone is interested in organizing a mural project in Over-the-Rhine. For their big event, SummerofService, I will be a part of a planning/creative team to put this project together, working with CityGospelMission, another church on Reading and FindlayMarket/KeepCincinnatiBeautiful. And I am not alone in this, I have a team to work with, and more people will join in the implementation part of the project. Oh, I am so excited! I can't wait to see this happen.

God, the God of the universe, knows about this before I was even born. He who created the entire universe, knitted every single cell in me, creatively arranged my DNA to form ME, to be created just for this purpose, right here, at the present, to serve Him, gladly, according to my passion and my purpose in life, to Glorify Him with my life. Now, God, I have one request. Let "me" go out of the way of your Glory. You who dwells in me are doing all of this.

And then Jenna made some "other" noise, the kind of noise, that you know what she's doing was apparent. Babies tend to do that. That's what they're here for. And I had to call her mom cause I am not good at changing diapers (I'll learn that someday..).

title: Switchfoot, DareYoutoMove

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.

God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls..Mother Teresa.

Yesterday You told me to be silence so that I could listened to you.

That You're distant from the world because of the noise we make. We're adding more to it everyday. One tv, one tv in each room, tv in the bedroom, Ipod, jacket with ipod, mp3, car with video on the back seat, ipod in car, ipod at home. But I have nothing of those around, everything around me is in silence but me.

I am always on the run, my life is full of going here and there and doing this and that. My day is divided by time to do this and time to do that. One time someone said I am hyper, and may be I am hyper and I need to slow down. So, help me to slow down.

Has it been that long or is the answer to my question doesn't exist? Do you wish me to seek You more? What is it in You that You want me to know? No, I don't just want the answer of my question. I want to hear all of what You have to say to me, whether I like it or not.

You did talk to me on the way home from the funeral, telling me that You love me and to comfort me that even if they don't, You do. You, the God of the universe, the Greatest Artist of all time, loves me. But what's the answer to my question? Do I need to wait? For how long?

I will be in silence. I will stop running. I will stop counting times. I will be focus. I will not worry if things are not done in time. I will spend time with You more today in nature. And I will stop saying I will and I will, but just be at rest. So today, help me to be silence so that I can hear more of You. I want more of You.

I frequently tramped eight or ten miles through the deepest snow to keep an appointment with a beech-tree,...

...or a yellow birch, or an old acquaintance among the pines.

"My Walden moment" happens most often in the city, on its streets and amongst its ugliness and its chaotic life. All I have to do is go downstairs and hop onto its sidewalks. One day a couple of years ago, my long journey in the train was ended when my first encounter with New York life was started. It was eleven o'clock at night when I finally got to the station I aimed to, entering to the life of the city at night, was where I found my peace. I listened to the hum..the sound of people talking as if it were one rhyme of bees in a distance. Transactions, city lights, crowded sidewalks, and there I was, found my Walden moment. And I was at peace.

Another one happened when we decided to go ahead for a day hike in the snow, where nothing else could be heard and everyone, birds, squirrels, and geese were hiding in their nests. The wood was quiet, ready to listen to what God has to say, ready to receive the blessings of the million flakes on its ground. And I was there, also, listening, to what God had to say, among the conversations with friends along the way.



-- title by Thoreau.

Maybe that's what life is...a wink of the eye and winking stars

Over that short drive we had a conclusion that nearly all the problems in the world exists of miss-communications. Really. I can track it from Adam and Eve and God and Satan in Genesis to the current war, to my current project!

We assumed that what we heard is what the other person's meant.
Funny enough that God created each individual differently through the course of time. Even with siblings, or identical twins, throughout their lives they're picking up experiences, interactions with other people, words, language, encouragements, discouragements, insult, assault and all that jazz. Not only that, our creative God thought that it would be fun to have a variety of races, culture, ethnicity inside the culture, subcultures, each with their own languages, dialect, and customs. (It's just beyond my imagination to manage the human race from genesis to now! (God, don't you have enough things to do? Or may be it's because your Power is just beyond our imagination). And, internally, each person is affected by their feelings, ratios, whether they had taken lunch break or not, to listen carefully what other person's had to say. I remember Neal used to observe that I only hear what I want to hear, as if my ears have some filter to the information that goes through them and only passing on a certain information to my brain. (This is the one time I heard someone told me this. I consider myself a very good listener, though. :-)). And I have told that there are four types of personalities whom will interpret information differently based on how they were raised by their parents (It's from NewLife Ministry, I forgot the author's name or the book title and I am too lazy to look up right now). So, my point is, it is very important to make sure to the other person that you two are on the same page!

Today, I gave in to anger. I resented my coworker. I wish that she would just tell me what she wants instead of making me work for hours/days to think through how the graphic would look like. I am a very particular person when it comes to graphic design and I have to have them align with my satisfaction level. I was done. And she thought it would be something else that it is not.. I suddenly feel so hungry when I aimed to fast today and I am taking lunch right at this moment. At 3:30pm, finishing my salad and a piece of chiabata bread!

Surprisingly (or not) communication is a very important part of my job, that I am sure I am capable of doing (since I have been organizing for almost three years), but how can't we who work in the same office could not communicate well? May be it's because I hadn't eat since yesterday..or because it's so cloudy today..and I counted my coffee intake, it was four cups today so I am okay in that matter.

God, in the other hand, has never failed to communicate with me. Through the bible, history, Jesus, Superman, Paul the Apostle, U2, ChrisTomlin, Mother Jones, the NewYorkTimes, the taxi-driver, Rebecca my neighbor who always sit on my steps, Clinton who sweeps the sidewalk, my life, my family, and my friends; I could find God in them, it seems that when I starve of knowing God, He appears and reappears anywhere I went. And all my life, if He wanted me to listen, he will not stop working until I can really listen. (I call this a whoah moment.) The difference is between how God communicate with us, and how we communicate with others, is a divine attention, based on unmeasurable love. He loves me so much He will never let me go anywhere else but to Him.

I could not imagine any other gods, I could not imagine talking to the stars without my "god" talking back to me. I could not imagine a god who just communicate to me through "winking" stars..

But, am I listening to God right now? As I failed to fast, I learned that these are probably what God wants me to learn today:Ask, confirm, after the other person is finished so that you won't waste your time for nothing;Be patient to yourself; Never break the fast in anger..keep fasting!

-- from OnTheRoad, Jack Kerouac

Creation is a finger pointing to God.

I have an endless fascination over trees. They are my endless art inspirations, give backdrops and foregrounds to my pictures, become the main object of hundreds of them, their dead leaves could dwell in a nice frame on my walls.

Tree always give. They hold water supply, take our carbon waste and provide us with clean air, provide shade for other beings, supply the earth with food, and even their waste nurture soil.

There is no single tree that has the same stem shape, number of leaves, direction of branches. They are durable, could endure weather and seasons.

Trees in cities provides not only a "lung" but also gave wealth to the citizens. The latest research from the University of California of Davis and United States Forest Service, the New York City's street trees provides annual benefit about $122 million. New York receives $5.6 in benefit for every dollar spent on trees. The dollar amount was counted from how much carbon it absorbs that would have to be eliminated from the air through some other means and how much less carbon is emitted by power-generating plants because of a reduced demand for energy resulting from a tree's shade (source: NYTimes Sunday, April 13, 2007)

And get this: Homes with a tree in front sell for almost one percent more than similar homes without trees. Trees in lower-density areas, are more valuable than those in high-density areas, because they provide the greatest environmental benefits. They provide greater shade. Trees with large leaves are more valuable because they consume more carbon dioxide.

One of the theory of "green building" as far as I know, is also based on how tree operates. A regular building will only absorbs energy and produce pollutant instead of generating oxygen as trees. For a building to be "green", it has to use less energy or even, produce its own energy to support its inhabitants. So, a building would have green roof, using solar energy or generate energy from underground, cycle its own water supply instead of just throw the waste on the city system, recycle as much as possible waste that was produced from the building. The building also need to adapt to its environment, climate, and season. So, a "green" building in Cincinnati would be different from one in Texas, for example.

To transfer into a green building requires, if not an entire renovation of a building or may be even possible for a new building only. The homes my company built are all "green"; because they are subsidized, we can provide the highest quality with a reduced cost..On paper, we are making money less than a for-profit developer would. We used 95% efficiency windows, high insulation walls, high efficiency furnish/ac system, and every other aspect that could help the homeowner to reduce their utility bills. We keep trees in renovated houses, salvage the house if it's in a good condition instead of demolishing it. But, transformation into a "green" lifestyle only requires changed state of mind. We can still live in a regular house but live responsibly to reduce energy consumption. How can we reuse, recycle, and conserve as much as energy as we go along with our "normal"life. Such example would be, using cold water to wash clothes, hanging clothes instead of using dryer (that take way more energy than letting the clothes sun-dried or just air-dried), wash dishes by hands, using less papers, installing water filter on tap rather than buying plastic bottled water, using reusable bottle for water, coffee, etc., using less plastic-ware at parties,

and just..simply live with less.

We might not be a tree but we can do something with our excessive lives.

Happy Earth Day!

Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose.

Not until two days ago I realized, that I am still in pain from loosing a friend.

There's nothing like it. Not even a "relationship" break-up could compare to this. There was no good bye, just an impulse message I left in his voice mail.

How would you say goodbye to a friend?

My friend has been a friend through good and bad time. We're on each other's skin, for more than six years. I knew who he is, he knew who I am. We've hurt each other so much, but we shared good memories too. And I love him. Not in away that a girl could love a boy, but more like a brother, a playmate. Six years of my adult life is a very long time for me. I grew up with him. He grew up with me. Although each of us ran different course in life. I am with Jesus, and he is with himself.

We had our moments, but somehow through our interactions God showed me grace. What grace really means. What patience really means.

There are so many things in my life that would be different without him. Some could be better, some could be worse. Who I am now would be different without or with him. But that's what friends are in my definition.

But two weeks ago, I had to make a decision, a very hard decision that I thought that it would be good for us not to contact each other for awhile. That without seeing each other, each of us could heal and learn from the experience. And I hope he will learn something too. What would you do if you know that your friend is doing something destructive to himself? I stayed with him, because I love him. But what would you do if the destruction eventually hurt you and other people? If I love him, then I need to frankly tell him the truth. I took the risk, I did it, and we haven't talked for two weeks now.

I miss him. But if I love him, I have to show him that he cannot continue what he's doing.

Am I making a mistake or am I doing something right? At what expense? I had prayed about this and God had confirmed that I need to stop contacting him for awhile.

When I think about him, I pray that God will open his heart and continue to work in him. May be without me in his life, but I hope and pray someday he will realize this. And when I think about friendship, I could not imagine how much God must have loved me. He knocked me on the head pretty often, that made me realize that He loves me more than I could fathom. When I went the wrong way, when I need to turn around, when I need to say I am sorry...now, He will heal my pain.

A poem about Definition of A Friend. Author Unknown...
A friend should be radical.
They should love you when you're unlovable,
Hug you when you're unhuggable,
And bear you when you're unbearable.
A friend should be fanatical.
They should cheer when the whole world boos.
Dance when you get good news, and cry when you cry too.
But most of all a friend should be mathematical.
They should multiply the joy,
Divide the sorrow,
Subtract the past,
and Add to tomorrow.
Calculate the need deep in your heart,
and always be bigger than the sum of all their parts.

Because you can't contain me.

Because you can't contain me.

I am too grand for your soul. And if you want to suck me in, you'll fall apart into pieces because I am stronger than you.
Nothing you will do will hurt me anymore. Nothing.
And there is Someone who has me, control me, live in me, and protected me.

Nothing you said will put me down. Nothing that you will say will make a difference in what I do and what I don't do with my life. It's my life, and it's not even belong to me anymore. Will you survive competing with your creator? I think not.

You've destroyed me, indeed. But someone had lift me up to the sky.
I was never yours. I have never loved you like that. And the love I have is a love of a sister, if you can take me as a sister!

Am I still bitter? Sometimes, who wouldn't? After all I am a human being.
But seeing you hurting other people in front of my eyes just make me want to puke. And I am sorry that it had brought all the pain back to the surface.

This, all of this, was just like a wind that blow my branches but my roots grasped the earth tightly, and my stem is as strong as an ark.

I am sorry for you. I am sorry for your life that revolves around lies.
I hope and pray that God will make you realize that you're not doing a favor to all of eve's daughters. And part of me want to not forgive you for that.

May be love has a limit. Or may be love needs to act a different way.

I am sorry for you, but I don't want to be in the middle of this. This part of my life had turned to ashes.

Nothing that you will do will hurt me anymore. No more.


The title is my own. I've written many of these, letters I've written but never sent. Just a reminder for myself, I wrote this after the meeting with SK on the Saturday in the beginning of summer 2007. I regret that I didn't offer her a prayer, when that's what she needs. She wasn't seeing the fact, she's clouded with what she called love, but not love, I think. You can't let your life to be controlled by other human beings, cause other human beings, just like us, can't be trusted. Only one person, worth building our life around, One who will never disappoints us, One who will always love us, One who will always faithful to us. One who had laid down his life for our transgressions.

SK said she's always mad at God. I didn't ask why. She said because she had lots of unanswered prayers (may be because she was asking a wrong question? SK was in denial, and I had been there, I told her I knew that, I've been there too. But I think she needs more than a courage to get out. She needs God. Jesus.

Dream up the kind of world you want to live in.Dream out loud at high volume.

Since when do we think government can provide for their citizens? In Nigeria, they can't. So does in many countries, both developing and developed countries.

I met with a long time friend who work in Nigeria but currently is in the US to avoid the chaos of the election there (Election is this Saturday, please pray for peace!). I haven't heard from her since September 2005 and now she came back and told me she was assigned to work in Nigeria and has been living there for one and a half years. Coincidently, I am in the Mission Development team of the Nigeria Water Mission from the CincinnatiVineyard Church and SSE (SelfSustainingEnterprise); it is time for me to dig on more information on culture and day-to-day life in Nigeria from her.

Government doesn't provide basic needs
I was asking for confirmation from her that there is no such thing as "waterworks" department exist. She confirmed it by telling me more stories about how difficult it is to work with the government. This information dropped my jaw the first time I tried to make sense of it. How come a rich country (they're one of the biggest oil producers in the world) could not provide the very basic need of their citizens, such as water.

There are two different kinds of lives in Nigeria. Planned cities and everything else, which could be called slum. Although, I would need to see this through first perspective. I've seen "slum" that are not slum at all, it really depends on what the definition of what's a slum and what's not slum. The ugliness of New York streets define its state as one of the strongest cultural cities in the world. The "slums" in Indonesia were made of an organic-chaos kind of living shaped by the way of life of people. I think slum is a slum when it generates disease, crime-driven society and lack of sense of community.

But her emphasis on how government had more control in cities and villages that determined economic development blew my mind. When an entity in control doesn't even care...I can't imagine what is going on there...

It's a tribe-driven community
There is lack of sense of nationality and locality based on cities where they live. If you're a Nigerian living in Nigeria, it is your tribe that's important, not your city, not your nationality. People are concern about their family and their tribe and more likely to be less concerned with their city/locality or nationality.

Situations in the regions are varies too, in the northern part conflicts happened between religious groups rather than tribes. The center part of the country is the most peaceful one, around the City of Jos and villages where we're going to be working on. The southern part is around Abuja, where there were few conflicts.

I can't speak based on the fact since it is a foreign country to me, but learning from the person who were actually living in the area for almost two years gave me more background pictures to help develop the mission program for this project. This is a common theme in the developing world, a government lack of leadership and rich of corruption. But, who said that society would only depend on the government? A nation's biggest resources is their people. And from what I heard, Nigerians are hardworking, family-loving, spiritual, intelligent people, who happened to have less connection to what's available in the world.

The village leader and SSE, and the people dream up the world where children will not need to wake up at two am to walk for two hours to get a bucket of muddy water. A dream that every school will have more access to clean water. A dream that every family will have more time to relax, to study, to work on the farm rather than struggling for water. A dream that someday, mortality rate from water-related disease will decrease significantly.

as what Bono said..
Here's to the future! The only limitations are the limits of our imagination. Dream up the kind of world you want to live in. Dream out loud at high volume. That's what we do for a living. Bono, U2.

There is no cup of tea big enough to contain Me, there is no book long enough to suit Me

Jesus is big enough for all the world's affairs. He is big enough for all our sorrows and grieves. He is big enough for our joy. He is big enough to turn the world around. He has done THAT, on the cross and resurrected, with scientific and historical evidence!

One time my friend asked me if I ever got answers of my prayers to God.

I thought, "Are you serious with your questions, because if you are, then we can spend all the time together and still won't be able to cover all the answered prayers I've witness all my life.."

My relationship with Jesus developed through my life, but my mother taught me how to pray directly to Jesus and thought that He is near. She calls him "Gusti Pangeran", it means the The Lord Prince of the Kingdom. The Son of God.

I call him Father, Friend, and Savior.

Where's the water meter?
That question came back to my mind when these past weeks, I've witnessed so many answered prayers since, well, when you prayed more often, then that's the result, more answered prayers. God is big enough for all our prayers. He wants us to pray, to worship Him and to talk to Him.

Last week, we were working on a house on Myrtle Street in N.O. when the water broke, so Neal our team leader asked everyone to go outside to find the water meter where we can turn the water off directly and independently since it's an emergency. We were trying to make sense of where the water meter might be. We have searched every corner, every sidewalk covered with weeds and mud and debris, every single common sense possibility (i.e. comparing with the other houses in the neighborhood of where the water meter is located), and we have called the waterworks even though a neighbor said she had been trying to call them for six months and no one had showed up (sounds familiar..).

We finally stopped searching, gathering and prayed that the Holy Spirit will intervene and found the water meter for us. And if we didn't find it, there must be a reason why the water will continue to run for whatever it is God has planned that our little brains could not comprehend.

We left it at that, and we continued working. We had to leave the work site early to serve food in Gentilly neighborhood, downtown New Orleans.

Is it a coincidence that one of the employees of the waterworks department came to join the neighborhood folks to have dinner with them and Neal talked to him? Problem solved. Prayer was answered. The water was turned off the next day.

Is it a miracle or is it a coincidence? I chose to see it as a miracle and an answered prayer.

Stoked..
I think that was the cutest word I've heard all day yesterday. It came out on my phone. A text message from my friend whom the night before had asked me to pray for him on his decision to go with the Habitat to New Orleans. The Habitat is trying to reach their target to build 180 homes this year for a certain project that I am not aware of the detail. They are calling all previous Americorps volunteers (whom my friend was apart of) to come and help build 80 more houses in a week. No body in his office is allowed to take vacation prior to June and his boss has been so strict about it. He felt that he was called for going down to NO. I prayed for him at night and on the way to lunch the next day. He told me he was stoked thirty minutes later that his boss has approved his request for a week of early vacation. That was the same time when I prayed that God would give him the right answer.

Those are my two recent answered prayers stories..

But sometimes God said no..

Today, thank God that it is them and not you...

The title sounds cruel.
Reality is cruel.

Why Cho decided to kill his peers? To acquire two guns and magazines, to learn how to shot, and to learn how to shot right takes effort. Did he plan this?

Just a big why in my head while listening to the stories of each victim
and who they were in the world.

I shed my tears for their world that had lost them.
May God be with their family and friends in time of sorrow.

I told myself that it's okay not to know all the answer.
God is in control..

I told my soul, once again, the moment is for me
to once again surrender
to the One who knows my time in the world...

God, I don't know these people. I know I am crying because you are also crying for what happened. What breaks your heart breaks my heart. I am rejoicing with them who are with You now, including LauraAshley..I read her myspace page and I broke down again.

I pray for her family and friends.

I could not imagine the pain.
Of not being able to say goodbye.
Of wondering if they were okay.
Of the hope that was washed away.
Of the sudden lost.

Break the gate of their hearts
to cry out for you, the One who can give comfort.

Title is from WalkOn:TheSpiritualJourneyofU2 I just read. Bono was talking about poverty instead of a massacre from a single act. Someone had chose to bring hell on earth.

The bridge was your bridge

We ran and ran and ran and we got into the edge of a bridge.
It was a wooden bridge connected with small path only enough for one of us.
You were in front of me, walking with confidence,
while I was there, searching for the next path.

The ropes look fragile,
I was sure no one had never been here for a long time,
and in my mind I was wondering
if this was a good idea after all.
To follow you.
Why was I following you anyway?
How did we end up here?

The bridge changed into only two ropes where my little feet could stand on;
below us, was streaming water, I just hope it was not deep.

Don't you know I am not a good swimmer?
I thought I told you that my biggest fear was drowning, but why I was here?
My mind pictured my mother.
We arrived safely at the other end. But what for?

And I woke up. It didn't make sense.

When I miss you

When I miss you

I listen to your voice in my cell phone

at the time you came back from work at two a m
I said call me cause I'll be awake
and I slept on the couch instead

at time you tried to catch me
when you were driving from work at five p m
and told me that you just want to say hi

at time you tried to say that you got my message
about that concert ticket when I finally decided to go
when we ended up talking for three hours in the car

Now I miss you,

I listen to your voice in my cell phone.

Note: Instead of a quote, all the poems will have its own title.

Lift my hands and spin around, see the light that I have found..

My dead heart is now beating, my deepest stains now clean...from the grave you've risen, victoriously...Into marvelous light I am running, out of darkness, out of shame, by the cross, You are the truth, you are the light, you are the way...(from MarvelousLight by CharlieHall)

There are two separate world in New Orleans: One looked as if there were nothing happened. The other seemed like the flood was just dried out...

Myrtle Street, Metairie, downtown New Orleans
Right off of the I-10 East highway, a couple of blocks from Canal Street, the street were dead. Houses are empty, although sometimes there are RVs or mobile homes sitting on the front yard. Usually you'll see a mark of cross with signs on the wall near the doors, symbolizing the signs that the house had been searched, for how many human bodies found or animals found in the house after the flood. Last week was twenty months after the flood. TWENTY MONTHS. And the house we worked on hasn't been touched. Literally.

Almost similar scene we found around the levy, the Lower Ninth Ward and Upper Ninth Ward. The remain was one tree lined street. Sometimes we saw steps without a house, where there should be a house. Sometimes we saw a house, leaning forty five degrees toward the earth. One other time we saw a house, standing still, with a Do-Not-Demolish sign on it. And if there was a house, there would be a sign of rescue team leaving marks on the door informing if they found bodies or pets.

Bourbon Street, French Quarter, downtown New Orleans...
Three blocks from the river walk. Blazing music, people walking around with cups on hands. Possibly liquor, or beer. Laughing. Having fun. TWENTY MONTHS after the storm. There was no sign of after flood. All businesses had came back. Mother's, one of the most famous restaurants next to the Quarter had lines out to the front door.

I had a great time working in New Orleans, gutting houses with the people from MercyResponse.com. For one time in my life I had a blast on doing work for my love for God with the right motivation of just that, because I love God and God asked me to love my neighbors. But it doesn't mean that things didn't make me angry. The trip was not about me and about what I felt, but about God and how God could use my time to glorify his name. But my brain hasn't stopped processing the overwhelming sense of inequalities I breathed in New Orleans..

The poor was always the ones left behind. Although the flood affected all neighborhoods located under the water regardless of income (obviously), still, those who had more resources and access to resources such as flood insurance were able to recover sooner than those who were unfortunate. The first homeowner we worked with was an 81 year old lady whom we didn't see. We only saw her pastor prior to when we started working. We never knew if the lady would came back to the house, but what we did was the next step before she could even talk to the city to either demolish the house or to rehab it. One of our team members talked to a neighbor who had came back from Tennessee after a year because she was told that she could get grant money to repair her house. The one condition to receive the grant is to stay in the house for three years. She is now back to her damaged home but she can't cash the check because of red tape problems (The federal government had dedicated $10 million community block grant for the recovery effot, but red tape gets in the way for the money to get to residents). How could such thing happen to the world most organize/advance country? Is it because she was poor that she had less access to resources and had to wait until who-knows-when? Meanwhile, people (those planners!!) were talking about how New Orleans had such a potential to become a sustainable city. How could a place be sustainable without the people?? What is a city without its people?? What they need is a decent, livable house for the moment, while they are recovering from the lost, of memories, life, family members, friends, place, and everything else that was washed away from the flood.

In some ways I could understand how visionaries (like planners) would see this as an opportunity to rebuild the city as a better community, but...sometimes, we need to remember what's real and what's not. what's urgent and what can be done later...

A sense of hope came when some of us talked to a neighbor, who is a renter for the house across the street. He is an immigrant who was originally from Honduras. He said he made about $200 a day with his friends, just picking up appliances and metals from junk people thrown away everyday. The city hired contractors to pick up debris and dumps from houses that are gutted. Every contractor has their own district that they're in charge with. They responded very quickly. I felt that God is recycling the entire city. With the amount of despair in the air, there are hope where people from all over the country came down and helped. Anyone could help if you can breath. When the entire city is damaged, there was no neighbor left to cry to help to..

The second house we worked on was on South St Patrick, off of Canal Street, Metairie neighborhood. We sense that people were glad to see us. We had to wait for the homeowner because she was stuck in traffic, so we played softball with ball made of duck-tape and shovel as bat until someone gave us a real ball and a bat. Raffiel, a boy from the neighborhood saw us and joined with us to play. When the owner arrived, she told us that no one had played in the ball field since the storm.

A fire truck came by to check hydrants around us, and the chief came and talked to us while we were taking a break. He thanked us for coming, chatted with us and told us all about what happened after the flood. He lived in the suburb where the ground was higher that the damaged in his house was nothing compared to what this neighborhood had. I grasped more hope than despair after talking to the people. It is amazing how we "boxed" God into our own tiny brain that couldn't even comprehend the power that He has to move around suffering into joy, despair into hope, dark into light. God will use every flaw on earth and turn it around for his glory. I was coming back into my thoughts of how human being has a privilege to make a choice whether to bring hell or heaven on earth. We have the freedom to just choose and be God's hands and feet to make heaven happen on earth.

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything

It's a made up story...

A letter for Sharon from my heart.

Dear Sharon, I had a dream last night. It was you and I walking on the bridge. In a rhythm as if our hearts are in the same rhyme. You didn't say a word. I tried to talk to you but it seems you never gave me a chance to. The dream was gray and blue. And then we came to the other side of the river and I woke up.

Was everything make sense to you right now? I think not. You were on my shoes four years ago, but it was you and me who were in the picture, not you and her. I would not dare to ask you how you feel, for I know for sure, it was not easy for me to take that time. He turned my world upside down, every lies was true, every truth was a lie. All I can do, Sharon, was an offer to listen to you, and to say nothing. Because I know how you feel.

I heard a lot about you, what you were doing and what you've been up to. Sometimes I saw your knitting project, your room, your garden and what you planted, and your pictures when we were in your place. The great divide seems to separate us from being friends, and none of us wanted to start anything. That one very deep similarity in us was the sole reason for us not to be friends.

That morning I saw you entering the church and sat on the pew, I was hoping you would look at me so I could say hi and give you comfort. May be a hug or an hour by the tree to be your ears. But you left right away and all I could do was to pray for you and your peace of mind. That easter afternoon when you called me and woke me up from the illusion that everything was a lie. I was as surprised as you, perhaps, but I was glad that you called.

We shed tears and my heart was pounding faster. You and I on the line. I could feel your pain, I wish I could hug you that time. We shared laughter too over similar lies told to us. Be strong, Sharon. Take comfort that there is nothing in the world is in our control. None. Take comfort that life is in your side, and that God loves you. We can try to get this right, but only God has the power over a man's heart.

You and I might have heard the same stories. Do you remember the GivingTree? Have you heard that nonsense? A story about a love everlasting from a tree to the boy by giving everything she has? You know what's missing from that story? A command from God: to love another as yourself. The tree need to love herself first before she is capable to love the boy. I refused to do what she did. Now, it's your decision for your own life, for the life God has given to you. Where did you build the foundation of your life upon? For my story of the tree, the boy simply was not enough.

I have no regrets, Sharon. God had given me more after that episode, once in my life I could say I want to live, not for me, but for what God can use my life. I had found true love from that episode of life.

So, next time I see you, in the library or on the street, please let me give you a hug. I love you because God loves you.

Title is a quote by William Shakespeare.

There's a certain slant of light

The earth day came earlier this year. Two days ago, the Supreme Court has ruled that carbon dioxide is a pollutant under the Clean Air Act and the U.S. EPA should regulate it as such. When such rule is regulated in one of the world's biggest producer of CO2, the impact will be profound for the entire planet. The debate over whether CO2 is a pollutant or an important substance to support life (therefore not to be classified as pollutant) doesn't change the reality that it has contributed to the raising temperature of the earth. And as one of the most advance industrial countries, this country has a power either to control(if stopping is entirely absurd) or not to control the production of this gas.

The regulation will be effective in 2009 in twelve states including California (exclude Ohio here..*hiks*). The EPA has no choice other than to regulate CO2 as a pollutant as other green gas houses.

I was so happy to hear about this, because I remember discussing about this matter in class a few years back. I remember came back from school upset just to think about how many people got away with they did, although I was upset mostly not because industries got away with polluting the environment but just because there's nothing could stop the raising percentage of CO2 in the air. The industry is not the only one to blame, but automobile gave more contribution over the production of carbon dioxide, which why, the first step that the state of California will implement is to limit the carbon production in cars.

Will it work? well, it doesn't hurt to try. It certainly a slant of hope, just as EmilyDickinson said in her poem...

But there are much more hope to offer from us the common society. This article from the NewYorkTimes reviewed an environmentalist who said he walked the walk of Jesus: to be the steward of the environment by driving a hybrid and doing as much as he can to save the energy usage in his household, and everything else in his lifestyle that shows he cares about the environment, such as buying used things in purpose. All by choice. Of course Jesus didn't drive a Prius, but, we got the analogy; Jesus is not occupied by his surrounding; his definition of enough, is just enough, not by greed or want. He provided enough food for 5,000 people from the fish and bread, he made enough wine for the wedding party. Jesus was even homeless, he didn't own anything but the clothes he wore.

By choice, we can help to protect the world that we are in right now. It is encouraging to see this evangelist' effort, and more efforts I've read and heard from many Jesus' followers to have this understanding. For me, it's not just what he does to be a good steward for the environment, but also why he does what he does, matters.

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life

Saying things, anything - like water, iceberg, fire. Happy things like old voice message you kept for you to listen to as if that someone was talking to you. Delightful things like the smell of campfire, first rain on dry soil in summer, or fresh baked zucchini bread with cinnamon on it.

Saying things, anything - like how odd are the questions popped in your head when you're in the shower, as if the shower is a holly, quite place, where you're most connected to your savior. Or is it about being naked, completely uncovered, like your soul is to Him. What do you think of me, God? Or is it about the process of cleansing, as what God does everyday in our life? Or why you keep hanging on the keys of the house that doesn't exist anymore? or another question like, is it the right thing to do? When you answered that with the other question as, What is it that what you want? And in the end, you know what you want and you know for sure that's what God wants you to do.

Saying things, anything - like how does it feel being TerryGross? She got paid to talk to people about things they love to do in life? How cool is that? How she saw people through their shoes, how being genuinely interested to other people not just because it's her job, but because she was interested, is a very attractive occupation. How learning new things everyday is a very attractive life.

Saying things, anything - like the happiness flows in my heart to listen to you talking to me last night. Thank You for getting me up at one am just to give me those thoughts...I am ready for a new task, whichever task, right here right now or tomorrow there...I am ready...

Saying things, anything - like how I can't wait to go home right now, to go to garden class and then go back home to start thinking about what to put on the canvas. How drifting away in my thoughts is very addictive.

Saying things, anything - like the silent sea of cornfields when driving in a long road. One tree stand in the middle. A long stretched barn in another side. A gated farm house with a couple of horses. A fog blogging our view. The drive-in we've never went to...The movie I despise that you liked...

Saying things, like dreaming, about the past, the past that let me to today, today that let me back to the past and say praise, praise that give me hope for tomorrow, tomorrow that help me to be who want to be, to be the best of me, me..the luckiest girl in the world, the world that has nothing I want, the want that I know for sure, sure it made me certain that I know how to live, living.

Saying things, like friendship, that sometimes requires some pauses that each other's need to be healthy. Which one is earlier, to love yourself or to love others...when definition of a friend is someone who cries with you when you cry, multiply joy, divide sorrows, and subtract mistakes. When a friend decided to leave you, does that end friendship?

They speak to the eter­nal hope in Christ

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

By Horatio Spafford.

His story reminds me of Job, how one suffering follow the other. He loss his property from the great Chicago fire, and decided to take his family to Europe for vacation. His wife and three kids left ahead of him when the ship was struck by an iron sailing vessel and only his wife survived. There was only faith that could made a man stand still in the situation like this. I could feel his strong faith strengthen mine through the song. My savior is the only one safe refuge from whatever happened in my world.

Source: Wikipedia