May be death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another

Through the long road I came with enough time to think what his life meant to all of us, and to my friend and I. His obituaries, four paragraphs, was published in three days in all newspapers in the region; that's how important his life was, for his patient, his family, church family, and his community. But is that how life will be remembered - in an obituary -?

There was a song I listened to on that long road. It said that many people had achievements, this so-and-so was good in such-and-such, but the singer wants people to remember this in her life: that she chose to love.

He loved through his life, his work, his family, and his encounter to each one of us, including me. I can see his genuine attention to me, one of his son's friends. He showed that he cared, with what he had, his knowledge and sense of humor, he showed that he cared. Does God always take good people to come to him earlier? And who am I to question God? I am glad he's not suffering anymore for his soul is with God.

I saw one girl crying in front of me. Who was she? His student? His secretary? His nurse? Why did it took her so long to move? I wasn't being impatient, but I was just wondering why she showed her grieved in front of us, and I prayed that she will be able to go through it.

I was worried because my friend, whom dad passed away, didn't show grief. I was worried that he was just hiding it, just as he was hiding all his life covered within the depth of his all changing wreck less relationships (it depends on how you define a relationship). He was working as usual, eating at the visitation, smiling and not showing grief. I was worried if he can take this. I hope and pray that God will help him to go through the grief.

For me, the visitation and the funeral is also a funeral of my own grief, my own past life that I know God already forgave. It's the funeral of my own pain and guilt. I don't need to feel it, because feelings lies, but I know God had forgiven me.

This is one of the options of I want to put on my grave when I die:

His Grace overflows:
Most of the times she failed, but she chose to love.

Title source: MitchAlbom, TuesdaysWithMorrie

Courage is fear that has said its prayers

Prayer from Fransiscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort
at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
so that you may live deep with your heart.

May God bless you with anger
at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people
so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war
so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you enough foolishness
to believe that you can make a difference in the world
so that you can do what others claim cannot be done
to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Bible verses as guide to pray:
Genesis 18, Exodus 15, Exodus 33, 2 Samuel 7, I King 8, 2 Chronicles 20, Ezra 9, Psalm 22, Psalm 104, Daniel 9, Habakkuk 3, Matthew 6, John 17, Collosians 1.

Are you opening like a flower? (2)

I just finished the book SexGod:ExploringTheEndlessConnections
BetweenSexualityandSpirituality by RobBell.

I had a "whooah" moment. It has been a day and I am still having a whoah moment.

There's more to sexuality than just sex. Rob Bell told the story of God's love for us and how sexuality is embedded in our life as human being.

Here's a couple of points I'd like to share:

1. God and sex is inseparable. God created sex, then sex is a beautiful thing because everything God created is perfect. But God created sex for a reason, and when it is used outside of its purpose, something will be wrong too.
   
2. Human being is sexual being, there are two sides of us, having a body (animal) and having a soul (angel), we can't deny ourselves as animal being and we can't deny that we have soul. That's why we have sexual desire but we also seek for meaning. It explains why emptiness came when we "used" sex outside marriage. It explains why life without expressing our sexuality is empty too.
   
3. Sex is a mistery; God created it as part of human being to connect with each other. It is more than just "the act of sex" but our entire identity to connect, to feel, to create, to have emotions, to seek for comfort, to sense,
4. Human being is a free being; God took a risk of giving us freedom, to love Him or not to love Him, to bring hell on earth or to bring heaven on earth. The decision is ours to make.
5. Relationships, connections, is far bigger than marriage. We can connect with others outside marriage. We can completely become a sexual being even if we're not married; for the people who decided to be single, their connections to others are the expressions of their sexuality, their connection with God is their expressions of sexuality. They are a sexual being and content even if they sleep alone.
6. Lust equals to lies. Lust promised what it can't deliver. Lust disconnects instead of connects.
7. Marriage is a unity of a man and a woman. It is a holy unity that reflects the unity between Christ and his church, where submission is mutual, love is the agape kind, and sex is the celebration of the two as sexual beings. A lasting marriage is based on respect. Marriage is a symbol of hope of life on earth, of God's divine plan for us. But marriage is not the end of it. When a person is not married, he/she has the privilege of dedicating his/her life solely to God.
   Making a decision to marry someone is making a decision to be spiritually naked, to trust the other person and to become one with him/her, to decide that one would want to get to know the other person into the depth of the soul and to honor God with their unity.
   
8. The biggest sin is not sexual sin. The biggest sin is Pride. But whatever sin I had done, God had forgiven me the moment I open my mouth asking for forgiveness.
   

I love the style and language of this book, the way it flows, its simplicity, its illustrations and connections. I want to quote the beautiful paragraph this author wrote in the appendices:

"Being fully human is our job. Thinking and laughing and arranging and creating and relating and designing and nurturing and responding and reacting and pondering when googling became a verb and wondering and exploring and meditating an acting and making long list of verbs and calling and taking and feeling and sharing and doubting it this paragraph isever going to end and teaching and learning and jumping on a trampoline and sighing and celebrating and dancing and turning to the person next to you and saying: "This is living."

And I still have a whoah moment. Thank God that I am fully human.

Six Words Short Stories

Ernest Hemingway inspired the Guardian that inspired me...All I did was looking up to my journal and retrieved some notes or prayers..

And I froze.
October 10, 2006.

You're never gonna keep me down.
October 6, 2006

My Edo: smile. mischief. and heart.
September 9, 2006

Kiss me even you're miles away.
September 9, 2006

Staring at my computer. It's 12:30 Thursday.
August 23, 2006

I'm equally at fault. It happens.
August 3, 2006

A horrible thing happened. I don't know why.
March 29, 2006

Cold in Tokyo. Rain in Cincinnati.
December 05, 2005

And I'll be back. To serve God.
December 05, 2005

Christmas. Packing in. Packing out.
December 27, 2005

Are you opening like a flower?

On the day of the Sun, God told me two things: One, the answer to my 10,000 dollar question if I need to find a suitable partner; and Two, that a community of faith is something I need and cannot be traded by anything even Him.

A week ago, through several writing groups I am in, I received an invitation to submit an article about feminism and how "we're not finish" with the work women all over the world are doing to achieve equality. It seems appealing to me, and I do have several issues I want to speak about, but the more I think about it, the more I found that, well, my standard and understanding of feminism is quite different than what the purpose of the article that brought the conclusion that I am not going to submit anything. I agree that such issues as prostitution, women trafficking, women's exploitation for sex-object (although I heard that such thing is women's right to express themselves. I am not gonna argue about this, will just stay out of the subject), assault, domestic violence, are definitely worth fighting; but the issue to "fight" for women's right to be "equal" i.e. similar to men, is not mine to talk about. I believe there's a purpose why God created Adam and Eve and not Adam one and two, or Eve one and Eve two. I believe that equality doesn't mean that women and men have similar role, although I agree that in a family, partnership and submission are a two-way street.

Although I would like to speak up and clear my thoughts about this matter since I am eager to learn about growing closer to God as a woman. How can God use me to do His work in community of faith and society? Whom in the bible I should look up to? I am still puzzled with what Paul said about women and their role in church, although this matter doesn't bring my interest so much because I am not interested in the organization of the church but the church as a community of faith and a body of Christ. These are only some questions I had that brought me into searching for a group of women study the bible with, but with the spark of grace I found one last month but started to come yesterday. This article explained more on women's equality..

What are we going to do with you, you don't fit into the box..
Growing up in a culture where every girl's purpose is to marry, it was very hard for me to fit in. I was not fit in and I will never be, nor do I want to. Sure, I want to marry someday, but, is that it? What if I don't want to marry? What if I like being single? It doesn't mean that I devalue the role of mother and wife. They are very important! I want to find out what I can get in life, how I can enjoy life aside from being a wife and a mother.

In my country, women advancement started in 1941, when a girl called Kartini befriended with a Dutch girl she knew from her father's connection with the Dutch, correspondent and discussed about women's education and advancement in life. The result was a book called "Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang," the collection of her letters, that brought women movement in Indonesia. She was the pioneer of the movement that later on, brought women to school and to work. No woman had difficulties in going to school, getting a job, becoming a leader or even a president (our first woman president came into office in 2004).

I am a complete person...
A girl's purpose, even in my family, is to marry and to have children. There is no question asked about that! But, slowly I can talk to my parents about this, about the possibilities of not to marry, and about the advantage I could have by being single. Once I told my mother about the story of MLK's sole secretary who was in charge of all his activities, speeches, and all the background work needed to be done for his activism. This secretary was an amazing "helper" (I know, I will discuss this later) that made everything possible for him to do. Without her, he would not be able to do everything he's done. And that's all possible because she is single (she's still alive, just wrote a book about her role in MLK's life). This is amazing to me, the difference she made with her talent and capacity and how God has used her life. No man, I bet, could do that! My mother still says no..she still prays that I will change my mind and will marry someday. It's not that I don't want to marry, I just can't get through the thought of someone being "not complete" without someone else. To me, that's just wrong. Each individual is complete, we are not to find our "soul mate" because we are complete when we found God. When I have a relationship with Jesus, I am complete. With or without a husband.

But, a sticking sentence I came across from the book we're reading in small group (Everybody'sNormalTillYouGetToKnowThem.). That's one of the things you thought you've mastered and knew until everything was buried under the prison called self. The thought was the second point I mentioned in the first paragraph, that God created us with the purpose to build a community where God is the most glorious. There is no way that, even though each one of us is a complete person, each person could fulfill themselves. The human-shaped hole inside of us, could only be filled with connection with other people. God-shaped hole is another one that define who we are. It makes the entire Jesus' love "law" to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves is inseparable.

Title source:
Worth Dying For

Are you opening like a flower?

I am a feminist because I am a christian. A paradox, you say? I think not.

A week ago, through several writing groups I am in, I received an invitation to submit an article about feminism and how "we're not finish" with the work women all over the world are doing to achieve equality. It seems appealing to me, and I do have several issues I want to speak about, but the more I think about it, the more I found that, well, my standard and understanding of feminism is quite different than what the purpose of the article that brought the conclusion that I am not going to submit anything.

Although I would like to speak up and clear my thoughts about this matter since I am eager to learn about growing closer to God as a woman. How can God use me to do His work in community of faith and society? Whom in the bible I should look up to? I am still puzzled with what Paul said about women and their role in church, although this matter doesn't bring my interest so much because I am not interested in the organization of the church but the church as a community of faith and a body of Christ. These are only some questions I had that brought me into searching for a group of women study the bible with, but with the spark of grace I found one last month.

What I got from the Bible...
Because of the first three chapters of the Bible, and the word "suitable helper" and the other word "submission", many people doesn't think that Christianity and feminism can't merge. Where do I fit in?
Growing up in an "eastern" culture where every girl's purpose is to marry, it was very hard for me to fit in. I was not fit in. Sure, I want to marry someday, but, is that it? What if I don't want to marry? What if I like being single? It doesn't mean that I devalue the role of mother and wife. They are very important! But, first I want to find out what I can get in life, how I can enjoy life aside from being a wife and a mother.

In my country, women advancement started in 1941, when a girl called Kartini befriended with a Dutch girl she knew from her father's connection with the Dutch, correspondent and discussed about women's education and advancement in life. The result was a book called "Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang," the collection of her letters, that brought women movement in Indonesia. She was the pioneer of the movement that later on, brought women to school and to work. No woman had difficulties in going to school, getting a job, becoming a leader or even a president (our first woman president came into office in 2004).

Although I lived among Moslem's culture where there are a vast difference in the role of men and women even in religious life, our society is secular enough to know the difference. Women hold leadership role everywhere.

I have not learned a great deal about women's role in society where I live now. But the fact that even having a female presidential candidate is a challenge for most people blew my mind. What's wrong with that if the person is capable (another question if she is not)?

I am a complete person...
A girl's purpose, even in my family, is to marry and to have children. There is no question asked about that! But, slowly I can talk to my parents about this, about the possibilities of not to marry, and about the advantage I could have by being single. Once I told her about the story of MLK's sole secretary who is in charge of all his activities, speeches, and all the background work needed to be done for his activism. This secretary was an amazing "helper" (I know, I will discuss this later) that made everything possible for him to do. Without her, he would not be able to do everything he's done. And that's all possible because she is single (she's still alive, just wrote a book about her role in MLK's life). This is amazing to me, the difference she made with her talent and capacity and how God has used her life to help MLK. No man, I bet, could do that! My mother still says no..she still prays that I will change my mind and will marry someday. It's not that I don't want to marry, I just can't get through the thought of someone being "not complete" without someone else. To me, that's just wrong. Each individual is complete, we are not to find our "soul mate" because we are complete when we found God. When I have a relationship with Jesus, I am complete. With or without a husband.

The cost of a thing, is the amount of what I will call 'life', which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

Today is the World Water Day. It's the International observance of World Water Day is an initiative that grew out of the 1992 United Nations Conference on Environment and Development (UNCED) in Rio de Janeiro. It's a day to remember crisis happenings under the same sky. The problem of water in Africa is bigger than malaria or AIDS epidemic.

It's the perfect day to remember how much we consume and how we can NOT JUST consume but conserve also. There is a question of what can the world provide for us, but there is a deeper question for me in terms of stewardship, how can we take care of the world God has given to us. If the Lord's prayer mentioned about "Your Will be done in heaven and on earth", how can we make our earth heaven as well.

In times of great inequalities, am I so naive to think that there is hope? That the one who have more could extend generosity while realizing the scarcity so that the one who have less could have more?

Here are some facts to remember:

• People have been using potentially harmful sources of water out of necessity that kills 3900 children everyday.
• 4 of every 10 people in the world do not have access to even a simple pit latrine
• 2 in 10 have no source of safe drinking-water
  

In Nigeria, an entire family consume the same amount of water as one person in the US flush the toilet one time. The children need to take water from the well three hours away from their house to get a bucket of unclean water.

Just because there are abundance amongst us, it doesn't mean that the problems disappear.

But in New York City, over 25 years, small changes that was done by each citizen had reduced the amount of water consumption. The small changes are putting water meter, automatically shut off sink, lower water consumption on washing machine. This is happening in the city that has the highest energy consumption in the world. And what it has accomplished gave me a glimpse of hope that "living green" isn't a naive idea after all. Of course there are many other examples such as Seattle that recycled everything, or Portland with its gas-saving transportation system, or even Curitiba (Brazil) that think more advance than many of the cities in the US in terms of public participation. But today is a chance for me to remember the blessings from God that we have water, clean water, ready to drink water, and to remind me not to waste it, when I am brushing my teeth, flush the toilet, washing dishes/clothes, and showering (try to get down five minutes is enough...).

It's better to help people than garden gnome...*

I had been doing just that, thinking, in my hiatus..

Recently I had struggled with time management. It felt like deja vu, but I am sure I felt this before when I was ten years old. I was a hyperactive kid with more church, more school but less play activities more than anyone in the house. And God shut me down by putting me in bed, lying and only reading, for two months. But this time, my over-achiever self had brought me into a long night of prayer and asking God for discernment, question myself about my motivation (which is very important to me before I ever decided to get involved in anything).

My motivation did not change. It's not the pressure of turning thirty, it's not a desire to do more with the time I have as a single person, it's not my need to connect with others, it's because I want to give all I have for God. When God was not there, so why should we?

But that night I asked God what I should do with everything on my plate, and I realized that all I heard was the word "prioritized". So I did. Although prioritizing causing me to lose a friend, or at least losing his faith in me and causing him to be disappointed with me. But, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I am now in a more ease situation, as if a fifty pound weight was taken from my back. I hope I will be better at that, to just say no to people when they're asking for help; not because I care less, but because a person has a limit of capacity.

For the last three weeks, perhaps, my mind had been taken to the future that I was completely distracted and could not focus on the present. I know that what we have is only the present, and that the future has its own course that we have no control over. Thank God I have a friend to remind me just that. That God had placed us in our path for a reason and that reason was to glorify Him and to seize every opportunity to worship Him with our lives. So I did. Thank God for a good friend.

And this sentence from a my favorite book had settled in my mind for awhile now:
I felt that night, on that stage, under that skull, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live, What exactly made worth of it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming? (ExtremelyLoudAndIncrediblyClose, JonathanSafranFoer.) My good friend's dad is dying, so he said, of throat cancer that came back to attack the entire body after a glimpse of recovery. It seems to me that God took good people first to be with him, which, I could see why, and somehow I am envy of, because they will be able to see God's face sooner. This dad is an amazing servant of God, who devoted his life for service to his patients (he's a doctor), a wonderful father for my friend and his brother, an honorable husband, and a walking encyclopedia who knows everything (for me, at least). To this day, my prayer for him is that God will grant him peace of mind, less pain, and a heart that's ready to embrace anything that could happen. I pray also for his wife, to give her strength and comfort in the difficult time.

Last week, I experienced yet another HolySpirit moment. I was overwhelmed with just how powerful the power of believing is. How powerful faith is. The assurance that we got from being able to raise dollars, to raise support, and to increase involvement for three huge ministry that with a regular mind, calculating the cost only would made one feel like a moron. But with God, everything is possible, and when the idea came from God, He will provide. I am once again was reminded just how great my God is.

Other than those thoughts, I am still struggling with many things, including temptation, thinking about the definition and concept of leadership, and the role of women in church. I am also still in awe with God's blessings of friends, his idea of family of faith, and his direction that had became clearer everyday for my life. Those things, I will dig in the next post.

Jesus loves you.

(*)Sometimes my title doesn't seem to have any connection with my post, and it's not embedded in the entire post but it is in one way to me. The title was a quote from the movie Amelie, when she encouraged her dad to travel more, and to let go of his never ending grieving process of losing his wife by making a garden gnome a friend. It is also telling me about God's direction in my job, and what I am asking him for me to be a servant who helps people.

Time's funny. When you're a kid, it passes slowly, and next thing you're fifty and your childhood fits into a rusty little box

The green giant mask is living when I was five years old. She lives in the year when I was alone when mother was at work, father was at the factory, sister and brother were joyfully studying. The place was a house in a ridden neighborhood where density persist. She cannot leave. Somehow she grew bigger than me when I was ten, whispering to my ear about things I don't want to remember, things that remind me to her house, and her friend, and that afternoon. Somehow she managed to translate my thoughts, to switch my point of view from one moment to the other, on the words of father or the words of mother, on the words of sister, and on the words of brother.

Green giant went to school with me, hiding behind my escalated intelligence, underneath my ability to do almost everything I wanted to do, including racing with the boys. Because I know if I could beat the boys, she would be free and leave me alone. But she stays still.

The green giant grew up bigger with my every interactions with others. That somehow I could let go if I could be with the one I like. That somehow green giant would leave me alone if I were with them. But green giant stays still.

Five years ago my pastor helped me to release green giant without he even know it. I thought she was gone but she came back this coming year. I heard God told me how to let her go. "Get a mask, draw her face, and hang here on your wall." So I did. I told everyone that green giant has been with me since I was five. It felt oh, so good to share it with my counselor, with my friend, and another, and another. And somehow she shrinks. and shrinks. and shrinks.

Last night, I made a mask of her. A black face with green eyes, green lips and a stroke of red on her head. She didn't have a stroke of red, but that stroke of red was a mark from getting out of my soul. That stroke of red was the mark of my victory over her. Love cures. And God's love release me from the green giant. And now she is also free. I hang it on the wall with metal wires and put her in a black frame on the long white wall. All alone. Now she knows that it is okay to leave me alone.

The cost of a thing, is the amount of what I will call 'life', which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

Yet another earthquake. Another plane crash. Another flood. Another death. One following the other. Not in a second we doubt, God, that you love us, and that your heart cry with us as these all happens. What can be done, God, what do you want us to do? What can we do is a never ending question in our limited time, limited resources and limited means. But You are the unlimited God. You have it all. Use us to make it happen.

Please be with them. Be with every family who right now is trying to make sense of all things. Why all of a sudden, it felt like everything was taken away. Help us to make sense it all, help us to know and to appreciate life, the greatest gift that You gave us, that as long as we live, we can survive and we can create happiness amongst all that happens.

Please be with us. Be with us whom hearts You have stirred. Not in anger but in compassion. So that we can be your hands and feet, right here and in this moment, where You have put each one for your purpose and your plan. What can we do, God, is not the question, but help us to be your hands and feet.

Thank you for loving us. Thank you for showing us that You care. Thank you for shifting our attention to them. Thank you for the opportunity, once again, to love our neighbors.

Good luck exploring the infinite abbys

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
Luke 4:18-19

Click here to watch Paul David Hewson, KBE proclaim what he beliefs to be his purpose on earth.

If we could only be more generous, said the UN Leader who was just retiring from his position at the FAO where he visited more and more villages where extreme poverty exist. It's not rocket science. It's something that we know how to solve yet still exist. Bono said, yes, that's how the world is, but would we give up on that? This morning I flushed my consciously flushed my toilet. I consciously using the extremely warm water in the shower. After researching about how Nigerian could only use sixteen bottles of water everyday for everything they need for the entire family. I still couldn't comprehend why, until I'm standing on their shoes, but that's not the point. Bono, again, said, that we can't really choose who our neighbor is, and if we live in this global village, the Nigerian is also our neighbor. And that's why I am excited that I am part of this big challenge to do something about it! The Jesus "religion" is what I believe could change the world, because He did change the world the first time He set His feet on this earth. Do you know Him?

Race and 12th street. One windy winter morning.
Four years ago I helped mapped the resources for our neighbors who live on the streets. Their homes are the streets, sometimes they get a shelter if they are lucky. None of them wanted to be there, with or without their knowledge. Some were trapped with drugs, the past, or just simply out of luck when three weeks ago everything seems to be alright. Being homeless is not an option, not something you said when you're a child and someone asked you what you want to be when you grow up.
My map wouldn't do any good, I don't think so. Today four years later, none of our friends see them. Some of the facilities perhaps had changed location, defined new services.

That morning, all we could do was to offer them something. Hot chocolate. Tooth brush. Sandwich. Some cookies. We realize all of those are temporary solution of the cold windy winter morning when you don't have nowhere to go or hardly any money left from last week's pay check. But, we brought with us love that overflows. We couldn't help not to give away. And perhaps a prayer. And a smile. A little how are you doing in between.

That was last week, the same exact day as the first day I came to the city and visited the DropInnCenter with a ministry at the college at six o'clock in the morning. Nothing had change. These unfortunate friends are still on the street. And the world hunger is still exist. God get me so upset that morning. But was it God that upset me or should I be upset? This is a problem we know how to solve but couldn't get rid off. But love will solve the world hunger; all God needs are hands and feet. I could be sure of nothing else but this.

One day a far away friend asked me which one is more important to solve first: hatred or the world hunger. Then one other day, I heard on the radio a question: which one is more important, to love others or to preach about salvation. The answers to those is this: The church has left the building. Gone Outreaching. The famous quote from Gandhi: be the change you want to be : is true.