No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

The spin of the leaf came from a combination of many factors that happened at the right time, amount of light, and exact velocity. You can't make it to happen, or you can't help it to happen. All you have to do is waiting for it to happen while happily pedalling your bike. You can feel the wind when you hear the leaves, the branch, and the tree stump touching each other, creating a hizzing sound that you won't only hear, but feel on your bone. You can see the perfect amount of light required that would not only goes through the shady trees as much as it can, but also feel the glow. And you can't stop pedalling while waiting it to happen. The three factors are I think, the factors that would form the perfect spinning leaf.

Thirteen miles two hundred feet has passed by, the wind blows, the sun shines, and the leaves fall, but no leaves form the perfect spin.

One leaf had caught in between my front tire and the break. It made the squicky noise that no one wants to hear. I could not hear a word that you said. Go on, leaf, go on with your life and don't ever come back to me anymore. You were just a leaf that I didn't want because you failed to make a perfect spin.

The other caught on your shoulder and you tried to find out how long would it stay there. It caught on you after you finished your quest to ride without steering for more than one mile. You did it. It was finished, and you need to move on to another quest, which was perfect because the leaf landed on you.

I forgot about the sunny day, crips air, green and yellow leaves, and the smell of the trees. All I can feel was grief, if this is what it is. Moving down my stomach, up to my brain, going through my throat, and somehow reach my eyes. Almost similar with the feeling I had when I was five year old, when I drown and when my dad saved me from water. It's in my chest and told me not to even fight for my life for it's useless.

The only way I know to fight fear, is to face it. And may be tomorrow I will remember the perfect spinning leaf, sunny sunshine early fall day, and the smell of soil touched by the rain for the first time...