just when you think you know love, something little comes along to remind you just how big it really is

Have you ever been to a therapist? Someone who was paid to listen to you, and then hear you asking questions and answer your question by returning the question to you? I'd never believe in therapist or spending my money to listen to myself. But something magical happens mostly when I was listening to myself, talking about things, when the therapist direct you to the events that happened in your life, or the questions in your mind. To me, it's mostly feel like when I was writing. Such as right now, when I write my heart out. Writing the puddle of thoughts in my head. Trying to figure things out. And to really listen.

Don't make a sound...shh..listen..

Going to a therapist, for me, is equal to general check up with doctors, although that also, I rarely do. I dislike doctor and hospital environment..but it's something that I have to do to know that I am okay.

Last week was the first time after several years I went to a counseling session. It was triggered by my resentment of the past, my willingness to be emotionally healthy and ready to be healed if there's something need to be resolved. Therapist will not heal me, but listening to myself will, when God lead me to do that. And I believe the entire path to go to this counseling session last week was also guided by Him.

And something magical happened when I listen to myself. I went home from a one hour session of listening to myself, trying to explain to this stranger about my life. I went home feeling almost nothing but congratulating myself to be able to share what I feel to a stranger that I know can be trusted.

But I was humming something else, that God may heal me through this process and that He will heal me and make me a better person in everyday I wake up. That's all I pray for that night.

The next morning I woke up with a puddle of thoughts getting clearer and I can see the beauty of the paths in my life. How I saw everything in a different light, where I have left out a very significant fact. I have been exposed to a culture full of love expressions in both words and actions. My entire life, my parents and family love me more than any other people I met in life, but they had expressed their love in a different way. Love was not said, but was profoundly acted in my life when I was closer to them.

When I was about ten year old, I was sick and had to stay in bed for almost two months, eating nothing but half-boiled eggs and later on I could eat some snack. Everyday when he got home from work, my dad always brought me my favorite snack. He didn't have to say anything...I knew that he loves me.

The first time I tried to sing in a birthday party when I was four, I completely lost all my thoughts and forgot the words I had to sing. I didn't sing but stood there in front of people for awhile, and then went back to my seat next to my sister. She was old enough to be ashamed of what happened, but she told me "it's okay" instead. I knew then that she loves me.

I left home since I was in high school. When I went home, my mom gave me a "lecture" about one thing and another. Her words seems so long when I really had to listen to back then, but those words came back I was faced by circumstances similar to what she talked about. Every time I thought about it, I knew that all she wanted to say was "I love you".

No matter how many times I screwed up running kites for my brother, he always let me to hold another one, and another one. Although he's six years older than me, he always let me played with him, went fishing, or just listening to his music. His gentle words always melts me down when my stubborn head could not stop thinking about not listening to my mom. She knew just how magical my brother's voice was to me. Although he didn't say it, every hug and kiss from him just meant that he loves me.

My brother traveled to my parents' house for hours, because he knew he could only see me for eight hours, before he went back to work the next morning. Even if he didn't say it, I knew that he loves me.

The puddle of my thoughts is clear now, and when it became muddy, I know just how to cope with it. CS Lewis said that we should look at the past to know what's ahead of us, not to try to forget the past because it won't be possible, but to know how to overcome the circumstances and how to handle everything with love. Because God loves me, I know I can love others too. Because God's grace is overflowing in me, I know I have more to share with the same people who are broken just like me.

Love can overcome everything. It's stronger than death. It's bigger than my past.