To love at all is to be vulnerable

The longer version is "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." -- CS Lewis.

I am not just talking about eros, but also platonic love, agape, and love to thy neighbor. It's easy to say it, Jack! But, it hurts like hell when it happened. Muffin was my last attempt to love a pet. He (I thought it was he until I found out the fish was pregnant and gave birth to nine tiny other fish)/she died on me without a cause. I almost, loved her as if she was my friend. And then she selfishly left me with her nine kids alone. What a person should do with nine tiny fish? I didn't cry yet, I was determined that it was my last time to have a pet! I got Muffin from my friend so that I could grew a healthy lotus plant. The lotus plant died and the fish remain, temporarily.

I gathered a courage to have a fish after thinking that it won't hurt that bad if I lost it. I've lost two dogs, a cat, and two rabbits. It was not fun. But it was really not depend on what type of animal it is, it's how we feel towards the creature. I love Muffin, eventhough she was a mosquito fish if compared with other type of fish with lots of physical beauty. Coming home to see Muffin was a treat! Seeing her hiding from me when I gave her food gave me giggle. So when I lost her, it was not fun either.

Losing a love is way more painful because, of course, there were more senses that got involved, more memories created, feelings, reactions remembered. It felt almost like a high dose of serotonin mixed to raise adrenaline. Jack said that I had to be vulnerable to love, and loving is better for our well being than turning ourselves into monsters by containing our hearts in a safety box. Locked. But being able to survive from it was another adventure.

Last night, I asked my best friend how we can find true love. He said, "By not looking for it." The same way with happiness, you don't go around and search for it, just enjoy life and focus life on God.

My sister, the best sister in the world, never gives up on encouraging me to be vulnerable. Although our lives are very different, she tries to understand who I am and who I want to become, and reminding me that, I can't give up on this, because God put the desire in my heart for a reason.

When I lost Muffin, I started to wonder if her death was my fault. When I lost my boyfriend, I wondered about the same thing. I probably contributed in Muffin's death, as my friend told me I was not a very good fish mom because I left her for two days. But, relationship is a two way street, and when it doesn't work, it doesn't mean there were something wrong, it's just, doesn't work. Period.

It took me awhile to get into this point. It has been four months since the break up! And it will take me awhile to love someone again. Until I gather the courage, pick up every piece of it, and start to move on. Vulnerable is not an easy word to spell.