Courage is not absence of fear, but mastery over it

For the last couple of months, I've been thinking about what it's like about turning thirty; may be because many friends have celebrated their birthdays, or because I've been too coward to accept the fact that I will turn thirty in the count of months. And the thoughts kept coming when days gone by so fast, I couldn't even keep up with what I used to call "slow time". I feel that even if I had slow-time, it seems to be going away faster.

Why thirty was a big deal, I don't know. But deep down I could feel that too. Soon I will not be able to call myself a member of twentysomethings who are foolish enough to think that we can change the world. There is no excuse of not being a grown-up, since the world seems to think that way for some unknown reasons. Another loss is the down-grade of my art-community memberships that offers more discounts to people under thirty, another proven expectation of the society, as if when you're thirty, you're supposed to be completely independent and able to afford those artsy-fartsy activities with less discounts.

Those outward "expectations" had haunted me, in addition to my own expectations of myself; remembering when I was 26, I expected to be able to be an author by the age of thirty. This is not happening either. Not even close, since my "to-do-list" is only getting longer and longer each day, with a little scratching or deleting, just to meet the most "urgent" things to keep up with life.

And I guess being thirty, or being a grown-up, or being able to be independent while still can afford to have what I called a life, or to achieve what I wanted to achieve, is still an unknown territory. When counting what I have accomplished in life seems unthinkable (since I cannot think of any).

The fear is growing when I know I am not ready to give up my delaying-to-do-things habit (talking about the queen of procastinating), that somehow I should be able to master it, or to deal with it, way before I really turn thirty.

Also the whole commitment thing, that got me into thinking that somehow, I am not capable of holding myself accountable for any long term commitments. I am not talking about relationships (well, that, may be one of them), but only to be able to complete a project that I have started but never seem to have a final result. If I scramble through my apartment I would find uncomplete projects of things, two sewing projects, about five paintings, two crochet projects, and countless articles I "planned" to write. This is not good at all, and I am getting more scared. I am serious. This. is. not. good. at all.

About three weeks ago, I finished a small group discussions talking about what is MY PASSION. There were four of us came from different backgrounds, going through a session to find out what our passion were. The study was a result of a research that was meticulously done through millions of data of every individual that will note every person's individuality. We answered questions about what we thought to be our "passions", took a test, and the result of the study will only affirm what we have stated, but in a more precise language that blew my mind because the characters described seems to exist only in the "goals" side of the table. This exercise also got me into thinking of my turning-thirty thoughts.

I felt like a person with attention-deficit-disorder who unable to focus. I know what my focus in life is: to glorify God with talents that God gace me. I "sort-of" knew what my passion was, but the discussion affirmed that. I went out thinking that I am already focus on my passion, but I have been doing a variety of things that given me more opportunities to grow and, well, just to enjoy what I enjoy doing without limiting my world.

Coming back to those thoughts, may be turning thirty is not about loosing a silly thought that a "thirtysomething" could change the world, because I do think I can change the world (still, being silly).Being a thirtysomething is being able to let go of our "overachiever" self, to budget our time without unrealistically committing to activities I wouldn't have time with, setting a more focus life while managing my "slow-time" in the budget. That in turn, will give me more time to give myself a reward in every accomplished task.

May be, there's nothing to be afraid of by being thirty, the more mysterious being thirty, the better it is for the journey.